Revenge of the Fanfic Author
by Neko Athena
Summary: IT'S BACK! I series I started in high school and still love that I am reposting and continuing. I parody movies and TV while torturing Duo and others with my powers of AUTHOR!
1. A Reason to Celebrate

REVENGE OF THE FANFIC AUTHOR

MISSION STATEMENT

an ongoing series dedicated to parodying anything and everything with the express purpose of putting DUO MAXWELL giggle and other various bishounen into hilarious situations just to watch them squirm!

o,o -(Hey, everybody! Neko Athena here, just thought I'd let you guys in on the scoop this time. These fics really aren't related in any way, except maybe one or two... Anyway, these are basically parodies of other movies or books, substituting anime characters for the cast. They are utter and complete comedies, so don't go giving me that "insert character here wouldn't do THAT!", cause I won't be listening. The bottom line here is: AS AUTHOR, I AM GOD!

Which means that whatever I want to happen will happen! If I want somebody to spontaneously combust, they're already on fire, baby! So, if you have a problem with something I write, write a fic, yourself, and have it turn out the way YOU want it to. I am basically just satisfying my own burning desire to be creative and my twisted, deranged sense of humor. If you happen to ENJOY this type of mad-cap, hysterically illogical parody style, then you've hit the mother load. Any questions, comments, concerns, threats, flames, and other forms of fan feedback are perfectly welcome, just don't expect to break my widdle heart by insulting me. All that goes here, m'kay? Later!

I say again, THESE ARE FOR MY ENJOYMENT. like them or not, I don't care. You can whine, flame, or protest. I don't care. )

All mail to: PEEPS!

ON WITH THE SHOW

A Reason To Celebrate

Fic #1 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Rating: PG (violence, midgets, partial nudity,)

Author's Notes: Konnichiwa, minna-chan! This is for all my fellow Duo fan-girls who believe it is physically impossible for any real human being to look that damn good. Enjoy the evilness... heh heh...

I don't own Joe Boxer, The Wizard of Oz, Blink182, Kibbles n' Bits(n' Bits n' Bits), NYC Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (he owns himself, I think), the Cincinnati Bengals(thank Kami, who wants 'em...), any midgets, or Gundam Wing. I DO own this fic.

And now, if the bizarre notes and disclaimers haven't scared you off, enjoy!

:The year is After Colony 204. The insanely gorgeous Duo Maxwell is lounging around his extravagant penthouse on the top floor of Deathscythe Tower in New York City. After his Gundam days, he was offered a modeling career by Joe Boxer and became a world-wide sensation overnight. Although his career is overshadowed from time to time by recurring thefts of his provocative (o,O drooling) billboards, he continues to succeed again and again. Now, Earth's richest, most-eligible, and most-desirable bachelor is laying on a long black leather couch sporting the latest in his own Boxer line, debating on how to spend the rest of his Birthday. Lazily, he reaches behind the couch and pulls a letter from his humungous stack of fan-mail. The pink envelope is stamped with red hearts and little cat heads o,o and smells of perfume. He tears open the envelope to find a Birthday card. As he reads the message inside, his cheeks turn a bright red. Coughing, he stuffs the card back into the envelope and tosses it aside.:

Duo, sweat-dropping "Where do these chicks come up with this stuff? sigh Gee, it's boring being so rich and handsome and perfect... they weren't kiddin' when they said it was lonely at the top. Hey! I know, I aughta call one of my old buddies and invite them over!"

:Happily, Duo leaps off the couch and skips, braid swinging, into the parlor to snag the phone. He flips through his little black book until he finds the number he is searching for. He dials, and waits patiently as the phone rings.:

RING...RING...RING...RING

, low monotone "Hello..."

Duo "Hey! What's up! I—"

, low monotone "...you have somehow found this number and managed to reach this machine. I'm unavailable to dispatch you at the moment, but while this message is playing, your phone number, home address, DNA code, and a list of your closest relations is being recorded and I will destroy you when I find it more convenient. If you wish to beg for mercy, please do so at the-OW!"

? "HEERO YUY! You stop that right NOW! That is not a very polite message to put on OUR answering machine!"

Hee. "But the number's UNLISTED, Relena. it's MY answering machine, anyway, not OURS...not to mention MY apartment."

Rel. "Must I do everything myself?"

Hee. "Omae o koro—"

Rel., sweet voice "Just leave your number and a message at the beep, okay? By-ie!"

BEEP

Duo, hanging up "Aw, man... that bites... But it sounds like Heero and Relena are getting along better than ever. Hey, maybe Quatre's home!"

:Duo flips a few more pages and dials again.:

RING...RING...RING...RING

Qua. "Hello, you have reached the Winner residence. I'm probably out donating to charity right now, I'm REALLY sorry I couldn't be here to take your call! Please leave a message and your number at the tone, and I PROMISE I'll call you as soon as I get in, I PROMISE! Peace and Love always, Quatre."

Duo "Dang it! Where is everybody? Let's see, who else is there... I'm NOT calling Wu-fei, last I heard he was still trying to legalize marriage to machines..."

:Just then, one of Duo's many butlers, Doctor G, walks in the room, setting a silver tray of tea on the coffee table.:

DrG. "Excuse me, Master Duo, but shouldn't you be preparing for your date?"

:Cocking his head to the side, Duo strikes an unimaginably cute pose of confusion.:

Duo "Huh? Date? What are you talking about?"

DrG. "The date arranged LAST WEEK..."

Duo "Oh, THAT... Ugh, don't call it a date, that makes my skin crawl!"

DrG. "You did promise her, Master Duo. You've been promising her for quite some time now. It's not a very gentlemanly thing to do to build up a girl's hopes and then destroy them. You know it would devastate her..."

Duo "Yeah, I know, I know. Quit makin' me feel bad. I'll get ready."

:Hilde, exhausted, leans against the door of her one-room apartment located in a rat-infested back-alley. Day after day, it seems her job of delivering groceries is becoming harder. Oh, she's thought about quitting many a time, but considering she really has no other skills to offer a potential employer, she must be grateful for what she has. She walks across the barren floor as roaches dodge her feet to her only window and sighs miserably. Looking through the miniscule rectangle, she has a beautiful view of the pinnacle of Deathscythe Tower. Her tiny, insignificant thoughts are interrupted by the roar of an angry cab driver followed by a cacophony of car horns. After a few minutes, she regains her concentration. Suddenly, Hilde's eyes swell to half the size of her head, and quivering stars shine in them. She rushes to the telephone, the only other thing in the room besides the stained, rotting mattress. Her fingers fly across the keypad, dialing a number she knows by heart. When she hears the line pick up on the other end, she draws in a huge breath, and expels it in a rush.:

RING...RING...RING...

Duo "Hello?"

Hil., squealing "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo "Yes... it's me, Duo."

Hil., squealing "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo "Uh, yeah, like I said."

Hil. "TODAY IS THE GLORIOUS DAY OF YOUR BIRTH, I CELEBRATE IT EVERY YEAR! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOO!"

Duo "Thanks... I think. Why are you calling me... and how did you get aholda' my number?"

Hil. "I HAVE NOTHING TO DO, I HAVE NO LIFE! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!"

Duo, unenthusiastic "Um, then I suppose we're still on... great. Well, then, I'll see you in Central Park at eight—"

Hil., squealing "I'LL BE THERE EARLYYYYYYY!"

Duo "Yeah, all-righty, then."

Hil., squealing "YESYESYESYESYES!"

Duo "Okay... uh, bye!"

Hil. "GOOD-BYE!"

:As soon as the phone is back in its cradle, Hilde makes an important rationalization and probably the most logical thought of her entire life. This is a special occasion; she must take a bath:

:Peeking cautiously out of the black limousine's door, Duo slips out and into the shadows of the trees. He is disguised with a dark trench coat and sunglasses to avoid glomping fans. As he walks toward the center of the park, he grumbles to himself.:

Duo "I can't believe I've sunk this low... the gods are soooooo cruel. I must be loosing my mind to meet her like this, she's probably gonna rape me, or something. Especially after that stalking phase she went through in A.C. 202. How can they deny me a restraining order? Oh, we wouldn't want to hurt her 'self-esteem', would we? I was HOPING she was still locked up... But they wouldn't let her out if she was still unstable, would they? Nah, of course not. And I guess some company's better than no company at all. That's it, look on the bright side!"

:Duo quickly regrets his words as he reaches the center of the park. Standing in the clearing, Hilde is decked out in her finest- a faded brown Cincinnati Bengals sweatshirt and a long denim skirt with neon green and pink splashes. Carefully woven into her 'cut with a weed-whacker' hair are handfuls of dandelions and grass. Trying to be nonchalant, Duo reaches for his cell-phone, ready to speed-dial the police.:

Hil., sing-song voice "I've been waiting for YOOOOUUUUU!"

Duo, turning purple with fear "Uh, sorry, am I late?"

Hil. "No... it's all right... I'd wait FOREVER for YOU!"

Duo "So, um, how's it been? heh heh..."

Hil. "Every moment spent away from you is TORTURE!"

Duo "Hey, that's nice... listen, uh, can w-we get outta here and go someplace else. Like someplace with more l-light and w-w-witnesses..."

Hil. "Sure! I'll go anywhere with YOU!"

:Without warning, an unholy light ignites in Hilde's eyes. She charges across the grass towards a terrified Duo, tongue swinging wildly from the side of her mouth and a mixture of foam and drool dripping down her chin. All in all, she resembles a rabid wiener-dog running down a bowl of Kibbles n' Bits. Duo tries to scream, but no sound comes from his sweet, pouty, delicious lips. He begins to pray.:

Duo OH DEAR SHINIGAMI, PLEASE DON'T LET THIS PSYCHO-BITCH GET ME, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE... 

:Just before Hilde can reach him, a crack of lightning explodes overhead. Out of nowhere, a farmhouse drops from the starry night sky, smashing firmly on Hilde's thick skull, crushing it and the rest of her entirely. As an astonished Duo looks on, three midgets wearing odd alternative clothing peek out the door of the house.:

Mid1. "Hey, where the hell are we?"

Mid2. "Yeah, one minute we're makin' a Blink182 video, and the next this stupid twister comes along and we're in a farmhouse!"

Mid3. "Hey, who's that?"

:Duo clasps his hands in front of his chest. His deep, endless eyes, filling with tears of joy, are fixed on the three little men.:

Mid2. "Hey, you all right, pal? We're sorry we landed on that chick, but driving a falling farmhouse is hard—"

Duo, choked with emotion "You... you... SAVED ME!"

:He rushes over to the three and entraps them in a giant bear hug (lucky midgets!). In a state of utter euphoria, Duo plants a big smacker on each of their cheeks (DAMN lucky midgets!).:

Duo "Oh, how can I ever repay you! THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT ANYONE COULD HAVE EVER GIVEN ME:

:Of course, the crashing of a house in Central Park attracts a substantial crowd. Fan-girls rush in to join the ecstatic Duo and the confused midgets in a ring to dance around the house and sing.:

All, singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The Hilde Witch! Ding Dong, The Hilde Witch is dead!"

:Rudolph Giuliani steps from the crowd, holding up his hands for silence. Two assistants are beside him. He addresses the midgets.:

Gui. "As mayor of the New York City, in the borough of Man-hat-ten, we all thank you most REEEEgally!"

As1. "But we have to verify is LEEEEgally, to see..."

Gui. "To see?"

As1. "If she..."

Gui. "If she?"

As1. "Is morally, ethically..."

As2. "Spiritually, physically..."

As1. "Poitively, absolutely..."

Both "Undeniably, and reliably DEAD!"

:Our dear, dear Shinigami-sama, smiling ear to ear and carrying a large paper marked DEATH CERTIFICATE, steps forward and begins to sing.:

Duo "As God of Death, I must aver I thoroughly examined her. And she's not only merely dead, she's really, most sincerely dead!"

Gui. "Then let the joyous news be spread, the old Hilde Witch at last is dead!"

:The celebration resumes, and mayor Giuliani and his assistants join the ring of dancers.:

All, singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The Hilde Witch! Ding Dong, The Hilde Witch is dead!"

Feel free to join in the song. Heck, dance if you want!

All, singing "Wake up, you sleepy head! Rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up, the Hilde Witch is dead! She's gone now our Duo's free Yipee...Yipee...Yipee. Yipee, let's open up and sing, and ring the bells out. Ding Dong, the merry-oh! Sing it high, sing it low. Let them know the Hilde Witch is dead!"

:As they dance, the merry laughter and singing seem to fade out. Duo begins to hear a voice growing louder and louder in his ear.:

? "—uo... duo... DUO!"

:Slowly, Duo opens his eyes to find Hilde, carrying a bag of groceries, standing over him. He is in the small house on the colony where he and Hilde have been hiding from the two warring factions, biding their time in the terrible war.:

Hil. "Hey, you were really out! I brought some groceries, see?"

:Poor Duo's eyes grow ever so WIDE, yet his pupils seem to shrink. The bridge of his nose turns a horrified blue. His scream of desperation is rivaled only by that which he emitted when the Deathscythe was blown up.:

Duo "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

? "—uo... duo... MASTER DUO!"

:Slowly, Duo opens his eyes to find himself in his own penthouse bedroom(uh, I could comment here, but...,), with his faithful man servant, Doctor G, standing over him. A worried expression clouds the old man's face.:

DrG. "Master Duo! Are you all right? You were having quite a nightmare! For a moment there, I thought you were going to leave us!"

Duo "But I did leave you! And I've been gone for so long!"

:Duo points to Doctor G.:

Duo "And you were there..."

:Duo points to the TV, where a Blink182 video is playing.:

Duo "And you were there..."

:Duo points to a large billboard outside his window begging for the re-election of Mayor Giuliani.:

Duo "And you were there, and, oh, Doctor G, there's no place like—Ow! My head hurts!"

:Doctor G produces an ice pack and carefully places it on Duo's head.:

DrG. "For your hangover, Sir. Someone celebrated a little too much last night, eh? Here, I've also brought in your breakfast and morning newspaper. Anything else, Master Duo?"

Duo "No, thanks!"

:Grabbing a piece of toast from his plate to munch, Duo checks out the headlines for the day. They read::

FALLING HOUSE LANDS IN CENTRAL PARK!

Insane, tacky street-rat only casualty;

Mayor declares holiday to celebrate death!

Duo "WHEW!"

End


	2. Lost Transmission

Lost Transmission: "B..ar...th..Ra...F.th...F..f-c...A...r"

Fic #2 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Rating: R (violence, language, implied/fanaticized 1x2, excessive Wu-fei bashing, Hilde mutilation, warped humor, general decompression chamber evil, references to SPANDEX SPACE, and that uncanny ability of Quatre to understand Trowa when all he says is "...", which is scary, if you ask me. Marron, on the other hand, makes perfect sense, but TROWA... o,O;;;)

Author's Notes: Hey, hey, heeeeeey! You made it to fic #2? Wow, you're either really dedicated or really twisted. Anyways, this is the longest fic in the series so far, which doesn't say much, cuz itz onley da secon' wun, yo! It is also my homáge to the great science fiction flick SPHERE. If you haven't seen it, it doesn't really matter, cause I tore up the plot so bad, the screenplay writer might not recognize it!

Oh, well, it is only just a movie, but this, friends and neighbors, is THE REVENGE OF THE FANFIC AUTHOR! Just more fun with the mighty power of the proverbial pen. Abusing creative license is soooo fun! One day, they'll probably pass a law against it just to put me away!

:Zorak the Praying Mantis, the author's imaginary friend, rides by on a Hippity-Hop with a pasta-strainer on his head and a turkey-baster in his hand.:

Zorak "The White Coats are coming! The White Coats are coming!"

Oh, crap, not AGAIN! Well, I gotta bolt... later!

DISCLAIMER/ I do not own the motion picture or novel SPHERE, Hippity-Hops, Zorak, any yaoi or hentai doujinshi, Mountain Dew Code Red, X-ploder Bars no, I didn't make them up, they belong to Willy Wonka (the company, fools, not the movie character, oi...) , or Gundam Wing.

I DO own this fic, a pasta-strainer, and a turkey-baster, however.

I also own a TUR-KEY CUTTER! (long story, expl. In fic #4...)

#DAY 1, 06:00, government installation#

:The year is AC 204 1/2. All five Gundam boys are assembled around the back of a large round table in a secure government installation, the location of which cannot be disclosed. In front of them, General Milliardo Peacecraft and Lieutenant Lurcrezia Noin are reviewing a series of satellite images and infrared scans, as well as many pages of computer read-outs. Wu-fei, Heero, and Trowa are standing behind Duo and Quatre, who are seated. All look very solemn. After a few moments, Milliardo looks up and regards the young pilots.:

Mil. "Well, it would seem the early reports have been confirmed. Boys... we have a situation."

:The pilots stiffen, nodding.:

Noin "The 'structure' is located about 240 kilometers south, at the bottom of the South Sea. At this point, we can only guess as to when it actually appeared. Our information is fuzzy at best."

Mil. "It appears that the 'structure' is somewhat ROUND in shape... ahem"

:Noting Milliardo's obvious unrest at the statement, Heero inquires about specifics.:

Hee. "What do you mean, 'somewhat round?' "

Mil. "Well... it seems... Dr. J estimates that this thing is... a perfect sphere..."

Hee., cocks eyebrow "Perfect?"

Noin "His last estimate was... it could very well be perfect to at least the 6 millionth digit of pi."

Qua. "What?"

Wu. "But that's impossible."

Hee. "It's possible... but only in absolute zero gravity."

Mil. "Yes, that's right. Coupled with the fact that all previous scans have been unable to identify its material, Dr. J and the other scientists believe that it could be..."

Duo "Extra-terrestrial..."

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Yes, Trowa, I agree completely."

Hee. "That's why we were called in, isn't it?"

Mil. "Ah... yes."

Wu. "Hmph! That crazy 'E.T. Invasion Contingent' is pure madness, why would you even follow such a plan?"

Noin "Dr. J's plan was written long before the advent of war. It calls for the five most skilled pilots in the world to investigate possible contact or invasion by extra-terrestrial life forms. That would be you boys."

Duo, laughs sarcastically "What, the pilots, or the aliens?"

Mil. "This is a most grave situation... A... FACILITY has been constructed two hundred yards from the structure on the ocean floor. Level zero is air lock, and is connected to a small sub, which you can use to travel back and forth. Level one is the main control room. Level two is living quarters, and level three is sickbay and mess hall. Level four is storage, accessed from outside, where tools and... weapons will be stowed. You leave tomorrow morning at 04:00. Sally Poe is your medic, and Hilde Schbeiker is your cook."

:All stand, and Milliardo and Noin salute the brave young men.:

Mil. "Good luck, boys."

:The pilots return the salute, and turn to leave. However, before Heero walks out the door, he stops and turns back on his commander.:

Hee. "By the way... I had heard reports that a Preventer sub had already approached the sphere a month ago. What were the data they collected?"

:The platinum-locked general exchanges uneasy glances with his lieutenant.:

Mil. "They... never... returned. Their last transmission was lost before its completion."

Hee. "What was that transmission?"

:Milliardo gestures to Noin, who produces a pocket recorder from... her pocket. With an expression as serious as a heart attack, she presses the play button. The tape relays the sounds of mostly static mixed with bits and pieces of a garbled human voice, which, to the horror of all present, seems to be screaming.:

B..ar...th..Ra...F.th...F..f-c...A...r—

:The screaming abruptly cuts, and is replaced by nothing. No static, no white noise, just empty tape. Noin hits the stop button.:

Mil.. grave tone "Be on your guard boys... and for the Gods' sake... BE CAREFUL."

:The pilots leave, thinking about how they will prepare for this new and bizarre mission. Suddenly, about 3/4 of the way to the elevator, Duo stops dead in his tracks, his gorgeous features twisted in sheer terror.:

Duo "Wait... a... minute... I thought... she was... DEAD... Please, Shinigami-sama... don't let it gulp be true..."

Hee. "Don't worry about it."

Qua., pats Duo on back "It's okay, Duo, we'll be with you, nothing will happen... there, there..."

:Duo continues trembling nonetheless.:

Duo "Sh-she w-w-w-was d-d-d-d-dead, DAMMIT! ALL GONE! HOW IN THE HELL DID SHE GET ALIVE AGAIN!"

:The stressed Gundam pilot sinks back against the wall and slides down, hugging his knees. Eyes bulging, he begins to rock against the wall, whimpering slightly.:

Hee., pushes elevator button "You can be such a baby, Duo. Honestly, she's just a chick." smirks "You wouldn't really tell me that the great Shinigami is afraid of one little..."

:The elevator doors open slowly.:

Rel., cheerfully "HEEEEERO!"

Hee. "YIPE!"

:Frantically, Heero shoves a very confused Relena back into the elevator car, just in time for the doors to shut in her face. Trembling, he rolls against the wall, sinking down beside his braided cohort, assuming a similar position.:

Hee. "I... thought... she... was... on L3!"

Wu. "What a disgrace... to live in fear of a weak onna."

Qua., teasing "You wouldn't really tell us that the great Perfect Soldier is afraid of a little girl, WOULD you, HEERO?"

:None of the boys realize they have company.:

Sal. "Hey, Wu-fei!"

Dor. "Quatre, shall we fence before you go! I demand a match! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Qua. and Wu. "YIPE!"

:The young Arab and Chinese boys join their friends against the wall. The ladies look at each other and shrug, then walk back down the hall.:

Tro., sweat-drops "..."

Qua., angry "NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY, TROWA!"

#DAY 2, 08:00, the FACILITY, Level zero#

:The boys stand at the air-lock level of the FACILITY, about to begin their exploration of the sphere. Suited up in their under-water-type suits (which strangely resemble certain mecha, for some odd, unknown reason), they fit their helmets on (which ALSO strangely resemble certain mecha, for some odd, even MORE unknown reason), about to take the plunge.:

Sal. "Be careful, everyone! Keep in contact, and please, don't be too hasty, Wu-bear!"

Wu., face glows red "ONNA!"

:Sally places a kiss on the glass of his helmet's visor, then lovingly wipes away the lipstick smear. Chang is now trembling, either with rage, embarrassment, or something quite different.:

Wu., mumbles "Onna no baka... hmph..."

Duo "Well, off we go! I hope these E.T.'s are hospitable, I'm starving!"

:Suddenly, the intercom crackles to life. A more-than-slightly-manic voice blasts out, assaulting the pilots' ears, even within their helmets.:

Hil. "I'LL COOK FOR SHINIGAMI! YES, HILDE WILL!"

:Turning an unhealthy, not to mention unhappy, shade of blue, Duo latches on to a very agitated Heero's arm.:

Duo, small squeak "don'tletitgetmeheeroplease..."

Hee., "growls Let's get on with this..."

:Duo doesn't need to be coaxed, and leaps into the tube leading to the water outside. The other pilots join him. Sally blows a kiss to her Wu-bear, and shuts the door. After three minutes, the properly-pressurized room begins to fill with water. When it is full, the outer door opens, and out the intrepid young explorers go. The intense quartz lights mounted on their suits do little to penetrate the perpetual gloom of deep abyssal ocean, and their sight is further impeded by the thick clouds of various organisms that swirl about them, and the muck their boots are churning beneath them. They make progress toward the strange edifice through the tracking systems displayed on their visors.:

Hee. "Com-check. Sound off!"

Duo "02, Shinigami, here! Rockin' your waves with the motion under the ocean!"

Hee. "Omae— CHECK..."

Tro. "... 03."

Hee. "Check."

Qua. "04, Sandrock Pilot Quatre Raberba Winner."

Hee. "I KNOW, Quatre. Check."

Wu. "05, Chang Wu-fei, who will fight the alien scum and bring HONOR to NATAKU—"

Hee. "Special, Chang. Check. 01, Heero Yuy."

All others "Check."

Sal., over com-link "Check, here, too. Communication is clear as crystal, boys. Proceed to target."

:Through the ever-present haze, they see a large, metallic object slowly materialize before them. The sphere is large, tall as a Gundam, and highly reflective. Accept... there is absolutely no reflection of all the pilots assembled in front of it. The pilots simply stare, frightened, confused, and most of all, awed. Heero frowns, beginning to get a sinking feeling. The creatures of the deep, and the debris in the water, are all reflecting flawlessly on the sphere's surface. But only one pilot is seen reflected. Duo. Remembering the mission at hand, he adjusts the camera mounted on his helmet.:

Hee. "Are you getting this, Sally?"

:No answer from the FACILITY.:

Hee. "Sally, do you read me?"

:Still nothing. Heero begins to feel the first signs of unease creep into his mind.:

Hee. "Duo, Trowa, can all of you still read me?"

Duo, awed voice "Yeah... yeah, I read ya' Heero."

Qua. "We... we hear you... but..."

Hee. "Dammit, we've lost contact with the FACILITY!"

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Yeah... me, too..."

Hee. "All right, boys. Let's take a vote. We've lost contact, do we abort?"

Wu. "Well... gulps those ARE our orders..."

Duo "Aw, shit... we're here, let's just go ahead and check the damn thing out. What's the worst that could happen?"

:Duo is fixed instantly with three more Death Glares™ than usual for his tactfulness at being able to foreshadow future events and also successfully jinx them at the same time while still sounding cheerful. Shrugging them off, Duo approaches the sphere, outstretching his gloved hand.:

Hee. "Don't."

Qua. "No, Duo, you SHOULDN'T—"

Wu. "Idiot, go for it..."

:Duo's fingers touch the metallic orb, and immediately a cascade of ripples emulate from the point of contact over its entire surface. Transfixed, Duo pushes his hand further, strangely not surprised that it begins to sink in. Up to his wrist... his elbow... on up his arm...:

Hee. "Duo, you dumb son of a—"

:Without warning, Duo steps in, completely melting into the shape in front of the horrified pilots' eyes, as if merging with his own reflection. They stand for many minutes in stunned silence, unable to react to the events that have just played out. Heero is the first to gain his wits, cursing colorfully and in several languages.:

Hee. "Dammit, Duo... baka... aw, SHIT!"

:Before any of the other pilots can really register his words, Heero stomps to the sphere and enters. Upon entering, that string of vulgarities is cut short, leaving behind the bone-chilling sound of static on their com-links. The remaining three pilots stare. A few seconds later, the curses begin again in their ears, as Heero emerges dragging an unconscious Duo by the ponytail-pocket of his helmet1. Without so much as regarding his comrades, he continues with the braided baka back toward the FACILITY. After a few moments, the events sink in, and the rest of the crew follows.:

#DAY 2, 08:45, the FACILITY, Level three#

Sal. "Hmmmm... he's out, that's for sure... WAY out..."

Qua. "I hope he's okay sniff."

Tro. "..."

Qua., wails "Oh, I HOPE NOT, TROWA!"

Wu. "Hmph... Your handiwork, Yuy, or did you find him this way?"

:The intercom crackles again.:

Hil. "DON'T HURT A HAIR IN SHINIGAMI'S BRAID! I'LL CHOP YOU UP AND SERVE YOU WITH CURRY AND TURNIPS, I SWEAR I WILL!"

Hee. "grumble, growl He was already unconscious, Chang."

Sal. "Well, everything else seems to be normal, we'll just have to wait and see... if an alien pops out of his chest, or something... only time will tell..."

:Sally pulls another blanket over the gorgeous hunk o' bishonen, unfortunately hiding his perfect, stream-lined physique clad only in a devilishly tight wetsuit.:

Fangirl Brigade "drools Mmmmmmmmmmm..." 

:The group, with one last look at their friend, adjourns to their quarters to discuss action.:

Hee. "We need to find out if the footage of the exhibition was recorded and analyze it."

Sal. "I doubt it did. Everything was dead, Heero... Audio, video, infra-red, SONAR, everything... it was like, you walked into a room lined in lead! Besides, there is a powerful storm going on top-side... and I'm afraid that means no communication with Milliardo, either."

:Silence, as the pilots digest this information.:

Wu. "Yuy..."

Hee. "Hn?"

Qua. "Well...?"

Hee. "What?"

Tro. "..."

Hee. "Hn?"

Wu. "What was... IN it, Yuy?"

Hee. "..."

Tro. "I see..."

:The others scoot to the edge of their seats, save Trowa, who had already been enlightened. Heero takes a deep breath.:

Hee., whispers "Nothing..."

Qua. "Oh... Heero, you can tell us!"

Wu. "Out with it, YUY!"

Sal. "Go ahead, tell us!"

Hee., steadies voice "I did tell you... there's just... NOTHING... not light, not dark, not air or water... just... NOTHING... nothing but Duo, just standing, frozen..."

:A stunned silence follows, as everyone tries to imagine the implications of this new piece of data. Heero simply stares into space, no emotion outwardly showing, save for the uncertainty flickering in his large, Prussian eyes.:

Sal. "We need... to get word to Milliardo."

Hee. "Hn."

Qua. "But how?"

Sal. "The only thing I can think of is use the sub to get back to the mainland. But, who will leave?"

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Trowa, that could be dangerous, are you sure?"

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Well, if that's the way you feel... I'm coming with you!"

:That settled, Quatre, Trowa, and Sally got up to prepare for the boys' departure for the surface.:

Wu. "Weak onna... probably broke the damn controls..."

:Wu-fei rises to set about getting ready for bed. Heero, still staring out into space, sits quietly, alone with his own thoughts. Then, he sighs, and slides his rolly-chair over to his laptop, deciding to find something to occupy himself with. He decided to work on filtering that lost transmission from the Preventer sub…:

#DAY 2, 13:15, the FACILITY, Level two#

CLANG

Hee. "What the hell?"

CLANG, CLUNK…

:Wu-fei sleepily stalks into the room, clutching a teddy bear and rubbing his eyes.:

Wu. "What's that noise, Yuy?"

Hee. "I don't— "

BONG

:The boys attempt to steady themselves, but the shudder that passes through the FACILITY throws them unceremoniously to the floor. Items stowed in some of the overhead bins crash down on their heads. Once the floor becomes stable again, the two stand, both cursing.:

Wu. "What the HELL was THAT?"

:The intercom blips, a small rid light flashing beside the speaker. Heero makes his way to the unit, which is located to the left of the door, and mashes the button.:

Hee. "Yeah?"

Sal. "Is everybody okay? Wu-bear!"

Wu. "Kisama! Shut-up, onna!"

Sal. "I'm glad you guys are all right."

Hee. "What hit us?"

Sal. "………………………."

Wu. "Well, onna? Speak up!"

Sal. "I… don't know… nothing's coming up on the sensors…"

Hee. "Weren't they malfunctioning earlier?"

Sal. "Yes, but… everything's back online, now… according to the computers, nothing's out there— "

CLANK

:This time, everyone manages to catch themselves before the impact can shake them off their feet.:

Hee. "Bull-shit!"

Wu. "Did Trowa and Quatre already leave?"

Sal. "Yeah, they should be more than halfway there by now."

:Another dull thunk is heard. This time, from below.:

thunk

Wu. "That one didn't sound like it was against the hull..."

Sal. "OH NO!"

Hee. "Sally, what— "

:But the intercom is dead. After a few moments, the two boys hear small clanging sounds from above, as Sally hurries down the ladder into the room. She doesn't regard the two, however, and continues to the next ladder going down.:

Hee. "Sally, what is it?"

Sal., from below "We forgot about Duo! He wasn't strapped down, you know!"

Fangirl Brigade "Damn..." 

:Heero and Wu-fei look at each other, then follow her down to the sick bay. Duo is no longer sleeping peacefully on the little medic table. He is on the floor beside the little medic table, rubbing his head, and trying to get his bearings.:

Duo "Itai..."

Sal. "Duo! Are you all right?"

Duo "Yeah, I... guess..."

:Slowly, he rises to his feet, wobbling slightly.:

Hee. "Do you remember anything?"

Wu. "Like walking into that damn thing and scaring the living HELL out of everybody?"

Duo, smiles "I didn't know you cared, Wu-bear!"

Wu. "BAKA!"

Duo "I... remember seeing it, and my hand went in... and then... I was going through, and..."

All "AND?"

:Duo smiles sheepishly and grabs his neck.:

Duo "I don't remember anything after that!"

All "UGH! facefault"

Hee. "You moron... well, I suppose you ought to do some tests, Sally..."

Duo "Eep! TESTS? What KIND of tests!"

Wu., smirks "Just to make sure he isn't radioactive, or anything..."

Duo "gulp RADIOACTIVE!"

Wu., cruel sneer "Yeah, we wouldn't want a glowing braid wandering around here, that would be a SERIOUS health risk!"

Duo, clutches braid "YIPE! NOT MY HAIR! Sally..."

:Duo turns to the mission medic with tears gleaming on the edges of his big, beautiful violet eyes.:

Sal. "sigh They're just teasing, Duo... It's all right... but we DO need to do some tests..."

Duo "Will it sniff HURT?"

Fangirl Brigade "IT HAD BETTER NOT HURT!" 

Sal., rolls eyes "No, Duo, it won't hurt..."

#DAY 2, 19:25, the FACILITY, Level two#

:After dinner, Heero returned to his laptop, and has been hard at work on the lost transmission since. Duo, who would NOT go to dinner, was able to convince Sally to bring him a microwaveable pizza and a bag of chips. He is already finished, and has retired, quite worn form that torture which Sally tried to sugar-coat with the word "tests" (which all came back normal). He is currently snoring on his bunk. Wu-fei is sitting cross-legged on his own bunk, deep in meditation.:

Hee., sits back _ This was a lot harder than I thought... Where did all that outside interference come from? Then again, everything went dead when we got close to the sphere. At least I'm finally finished. _

THUNK, THUNK

Hee. "Uh-oh..."

Wu., opens eyes "Not again..."

blip

:Heero walks over to the intercom carefully, bracing himself for any impact.:

Hee. "Sally?"

Sal. "You guys... I've got this thing on sonar... You... need to see this..."

Wu. "Be right— "

BONG

:The metallic whine of the hull being scraped-against by some large, ambiguous entity sends another shudder through the FACILITY. Wu-fei steadies himself on the railing before ascending the ladder into the control room. He makes his way over to a panel of screens. Sally is hunched over one particular screen, the green glow from the sonar highlighting her face.:

Wu. "What is it?"

Sal. "Well... I... take a look for yourself..."

:He bends over the screen and scrutinizes the large green splotch next to the silhouette of the FACILITY. Then, his eyes go wide with surprise.:

Wu. "That- That looks like a giant— "

Sal. "Yeah... that's what it LOOKS like, all right, but... it CAN'T be, can it?"

CLINK-CLUNK

:An extremely violent shake spills Sally and Wu-fei into a heap on the floor. The two groan, but as it seems the bump won't be followed by another, they stand. Sally, blushing, pulls herself off of Wu-fei. Wu-fei just growls, then regards the sonar screen once again.:

Wu. "Hey... IT'S GONE!"

:Sure enough, there isn't a trace of the assailant on the screen; it seems to have vanished into thin air.:

Sal. "That was..."

Wu. "TOO weird..."

Sal. "What WAS that damned thing?"

:Wu-fei and Sally exchange looks.:

Sal. "It looked... like a giant cat head."

Wu. "But, that's impo—"

BEEP

:Suddenly, all the screens, devices, and lights cut off. The two gasp in confusion, but, just as suddenly, everything comes back on. Both look around the room, still shocked at the sudden loss of power. Then, their attention is drawn to the wall of computer screens in front of them. All the screens are dark, accept for the central screen. On it, white letters appear, as if being typed, a cursor blinking at the end of the line.:

Hello.

:Stunned, the three can only stare for some minutes. Wu-fei is the first to regain control of his senses. He slides into a console chair and begins to type.:

Sal. "Wu- Wu-fei, what the hell are you..."

Wu. "Answering."

Hello.

You are the entity known as 'Wu-fei', am I correct?

:Fear creeps into Wu-fei's soldierly mind, and a chill runs up his spine, but he continues the eerie conversation, while Sally watches.:

Yes. You are correct.

Good. I wanted to talk with you. You are interesting entities, you and your friends.

You know us?

Yes. I know much about you and your world. About the wars in space, and how you fought together. You were all involved in that war. A very…

"Very" what?

A very entertaining event.

Do you find all wars entertaining?

No. But your war was meant to be.

What do you mean?

You are entertaining also, but not as much as the others.

You sound weak... like an onna.

You sound stupid, like a dork.

What are you?

Better than you, Wu-bear.

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?

How is the entity known as 'Duo?' Is he hurt?

Unfortunately, no. The idiot is still kicking. Who cares?

You dislike Duo?

Yes.

Why?

He is an idiot. And a disgrace as a Gundam pilot! He is pointless.

He did more during the wars than you, Wu-fei.

NO ONE ASKED YOU!

You are jealous.

WHAT! NO I AM NOT!

Yes, you are. It is understandable. Duo is a better entity than Wu-fei.

BULLSHIT HE IS! HE IS A WEAK, FEMENINE BAKA WITH NO BRAINS IN BRAIDED HEAD!

You suck, Wu-bear.

:With that, all the screens abruptly start up, the top three displaying the views of the outer cameras, the bottom three their usual information. The text is gone, replaced by a display of the FACILITY. Level four is flashing red, and a loud beeping coming from the console.:

Sal. "Shit! We've got a hull-breach in the storage area! One of you will have to fix it from the outside, before the whole FACILITY is crushed by the pressure!"

Wu. "Well, it looks like I'll be doing it. Heero's still down there with that braided baka."

#DAY 2, 19:26, the FACILITY, Level two#

:Heaving an annoyed sigh, Heero walks to the medicine cabinet, wanting to nip his approaching migraine in the bud. After a few seconds of fumbling around, however, he realizes that he never packed any painkillers with his luggage. Not feeling up to climbing down to sickbay, Heero turns to Duo's small cupboard.:

Hee. "Crazy baka... sleeping through all this... Maybe he'll have something... WHAT THE HELL?"

:Upon opening the cabinet, however, he is nearly buried alive beneath a pile of what seem to be comics. Sitting up angrily, he snatches one of the books from atop his head, and is about to throw it aside, when the cover catches his attention.:

Hee. "What? Title is '2x1 Special: Chocolate Summer Nights'... That looks like me..."

:Curiosity now caught, he opens the book. It seems to be just that, a comic book, however..."

Hee. "It... it IS me! What the bloody hell? And that's—DUO! What the fu— AAAAAAAAHHH!"

:He looks away, squeezing his eyes shut in shock, for what he found on the next page was a depiction of himself and Duo in a VERY COMPROMISING POSITION which goes a long way to explaining the title. Hands shaking, he drops the doujinshi into the stack and stands, trying not to open his eyes. After a moment, he ventures to do so.:

Hee. "What is Duo doing with THAT? And... My GODS, they're ALL like that!"

:Feeling that migraine coming on even faster, he scrambles to another cupboard, only to have more of the doujinshis rain down upon his head. After a few frantic minutes, Heero discovers that ALL the cupboards in the room are filled with the hentai materials. Utterly bewildered, he falls to his knees in the middle of the room, trying not to look in any particular direction.:

Hee. "What... the... hell... is... going... ON!"

:Unfortunately, his eyes begin to stray, and alight on an image of the two of them sharing quite a graphic, passionate kiss. He tries to look away, but his eyes are met with another image of Duo doing something VERY hentai-ish to him. He feels his cheeks begin to flush, and...:

Hee., clutches head "YAAAAAAAAAHH! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, I'M GETTING EXCITED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Duo "Heero, what's wrong!"

:Heero snaps his head around to see that not only is Duo awake and standing behind him (looking quite worried, probably for his friend's sanity), but the room is completely empty. Every doujinshi is gone.:

Hee. "Duo... I—"

Duo, helps Heero up "It's okay... Everybody's gotta just let it out, sometime, Heero... I figured even you would crack soon."

:He helps the nervous Wing pilot over to his bed, and sits down beside him. Heero begins to calm when he realizes that they ARE, in fact, sitting together on Duo's unmade bed, and the images return to him. His face flushes even deeper. Duo is only wearing a pair of boxer shorts, and his hair is unbraided, falling around him in waves.:

Fangirls "OH, HELL YEAH!" 

:Duo peers into Heero's face, trying to calm him.:

Duo, softly "It's okay, Heero, you can tell me... I'm here for you..."

Hee. "gulp"

:Duo scoots closer, placing a reassuring hand on Heero's shoulder. Heero snaps from the pressure, in his mind, and ahem ELSEWHERE…:

Duo "Go ahead, let it out... it's all right."

Hee. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

:Rushing from the room, Heero locks the bathroom door safely behind him. Duo merely looks on in confusion.:

#DAY 2, 19:32, the FACILITY, Level one#

:Wu-fei and Sally waste no time in preparing to commence repairs. After locking down the level from the control room, the two proceed to the air lock, where Sally helps Wu-fei suit up. Soon, he is outside the storage level. He is almost finished with the repairs, when he notices many strange blips on the sonar projected onto his helmet visor.:

Wu. "Hey, onna! What the hell is that on the screen?"

Sal. "Um... probably just a school of fish, Wu-bear."

Wu. "WHAT?"

Sal. "Uh, heh, heh... I mean, Wu-FEI."

Wu. "Hmph... can I kill them?"

Sal. "Just finish the repairs."

:After a few moments, the blips are with in range, and Wu-fei begins to see the school swimming around him in the gloom.:

Wu. "Damned ugly bastards... What kind of fish are these, onna?"

Sal. "Don't know, what do they look like?"

Wu. "Real ugly... they have red undersides, and a serious under bite. Bug-eyes, too. UGLY."

Sal. "..."

Wu. "Well?"

Sal. "Wu-fei, you just described _Pygocentrus_ _nattereri_."

Wu. "What the hell are those?"

Sal. "More commonly, red-bellied piranhas. They live in the Amazon, Wu-fei, not in the cold, abyssal plane of the Southern Pacific."

Wu. "What are you saying?"

Sal. "THERE CAN'T BE PIRANHAS DOWN HERE, QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!"

Wu. "They're... looking at me funny..."

Sal. "Just get back here."

Wu. "AH! Dammit!"

Sal. "What is it?"

Wu. "Damn things... tried to bite—YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Sal. "Wu-fei... WU-FEI? STOP IT, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

Wu. "You're tellin' me... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! INJUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!"

:The com link goes dead, and no more is heard from the Shenlong pilot. Sally stares at the screen in front of her.:

So long, Wu-bear.

#DAY 2, 19:32, the FACILITY, Level two#

:After taking three showers of a specific temperature, and re-adjusting his "Perfect Soldier" nerves, Heero ventures out into the bunk area to find Duo huddled in his sheets, trying to squeeze himself as far away from the door as possible, his golden rosary thrust out in front of him. Heero looks to the door and sees the reason for his friend's behavior.:

Hil. "MY POOR, POOR, POOR SHINIGAMI! I'LL MAKE IT ALL BETTER! PLEASE, LET ME KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER!"

Duo, trembling "BACK! BACK, I SAY! BEGONE FROM THIS PLACE, EVIL DEMON! GET THEE BACK UNTO HELL WHERE THOU WAST SPAWNED!"

Hee., clutches temples "Please... don't yell... loud sound2... PAINFUL..."

Hil., whispers loudly "PLEASE LET ME MAKE SHINIGAMI ALL BETTER!"

Hee., growls "OUT, bitch! Leave 'im alone!"

Hil. "But sniff Shinigami LOVES me!"

Duo "BULL-SHIT!"

:Suddenly, Heero is furious. He pins Hilde up against the wall, her neck caught in his iron grip, and casts the grand-daddy of all Death Glares™. From somewhere deep within Spandex Space, he pulls out his trusty handgun, and pushes the barrel against her forehead.:

Hee., growls "Let me rephrase that. Leave him alone, or DIE."

Hil. "Yipe! S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sorry... y-y-y-y-y-y-yes s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sir..."

:He releases the frightened girl, who, eyes wide, quickly puts a great distance between herself and the soldier, scooting into the corner of the room. All the while, her frightened eyes stay locked on Heero. He returns his gun to Spandex Space, just as Duo bounds over and wraps him in a bear hug (lucky Heero).:

Duo "Thank you sooooooooooo much, Hee-chan! You SAVED me!"

:At the sudden display of affection, Heero once again flashes back to the doujinshi incident, and flushes bright red. Beginning to contemplate yet another shower, his thoughts are suddenly interrupted by Sally's frantic cries from above.:

Sal. "WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-BEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!"

:The three look up in the direction of the control room, then rush up the ladder to Sally's aid. They find her sitting in front of the central console, staring at the words on the screen. Her eyes and lips quiver, and tears threaten to spill down her cheeks at any time.:

Hee. "What happened now?"

:Sally looks up, and abruptly stops crying. Her eyes swell in surprise. Duo's arms are still hooked on Heero's neck. He is still clad in his boxers, and Heero has only his Spandex.:

Sal., stares at Spandex "What were YOU doing?"

Duo "What are you talking about?"

Hee., turns bright red "...N-n-n-n-nothing..."

Duo "Tell us what happened, Sally? Where's Wu-fei?"

:Remembering the previous events, Sally begins to bawl again, and through her tears, explains everything.:

Sal., sobbing "...And then... sob the piranhas came sniff, sob, sob and WU-BEAR'S GONE! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Duo, rubs Sally's back "There, there, it'll be okay..."

:Heero, meanwhile, sits at the console and begins to type to the entity.:

What did you do to Wu-fei?

Hello. You are the entity known as 'Heero.'

Yes. Where is Wu-fei?

Gone.

Is he dead?

He is gone.

Is he dead?

Did you like them, Heero?

Like what?

You SEEMED to like them... A LOT...

:Heero gets the drift, and blushes again, more fiercely than ever.:

You did that!

Uh-huh... Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

That was... just WRONG...

A lot of people think it is very right... What does HEERO think?

Who are you? Are you from the sphere?

You are avoiding the question.

:More powerful blushing from the Perfect Soldier. By now, everyone is watching the screen tensely.:

Duo "What is it talking about, Heero?"

Hee. "N-n-n-nothing..."

Duo "Wha—Itai!"

:Without warning, a doujinshi pops from thin air, and lands on Duo's head. He plucks it off and looks at it. Heero turns, sees what it is, and tries with every fiber of his being to disappear.:

Duo "Weird, these guys on the cover look like you n' me, Heero." opens doujin. "HOLY CRAP!"

:Now, Duo is blushing as well. He peaks over the top of the comic at Heero, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi-trailer-truck.:

Duo "Hee- Heero... is this... what..."

:Heero turns back to the screen to prevent himself from getting a nose bleed. The title of the doujinshi Duo is holding is "1x2x1 Fantasy: Volume I, Gothic Bondage Among Friends." He types angrily at the entity he is conversing with.:

You are a sick, twisted, perverted

Looks like Duo is enjoying it, too. I am glad. So are a lot of your fans.

Fans? What the hell do you think we are, some sort of characters here for your entertainment?

giggle, giggle E-X-A-C-T-L-Y!

Hil. "DUO! WHAT IS IT, LEMME SEE! PUH-LEEEEEEEEEZE!"

Yeah, let her see. Let her see the TRUTH! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Whatever you are, you are insane.

Look who's callin' the kettle black...

Hil., latches onto Duo's arm "GEE, HILDE LOVES HER SHINIGAMI!"

Duo, doujin. disappears "What the—hey, leggo!"

Hil., singing "SHINIGAMI LOVES ME TOO! OH, YES HE DOES!"

Back off, BITCH.

:Another tremor is sent throughout the FACILITY by yet another strange collision. Sally turns to the sonar screen, in time to see the same assailant rear back for another ramming charge.:

Sal. "Brace for IMPACT!"

BONG

:Hilde is sent flying toward the ladder, where her empty, purple head smashes into a rung, and subsequently against five or six others as she slides to the floor. This, of course, does little damage, as she has no brain and her skull has a thickness greater than that of the walls of Fort Knox. Duo, on the other hand, is thrown off balance as well, but lands in a much more comfortable place: Heero's lap. For a moment after the jolt, the two pilots stare at each other, turning Mountain Dew Code Red-red. Then, coughing and looking in opposite directions, they extricate themselves from each other's embrace, trying to act nonchalant. Slowly, the screen regains Heero's attention.:

NYA-HA-HA! Serves da Biz-natch-Hoe right!

What was that for?

She's a bitch.

...So?

NYA-HA-HA! Hee-chan agrees! dances happily

Why are you so quiet, no 'thank you?'

Why are you using Fanfic slang... ?

Uh... Ano... Because it is what suits me.

Are you an alien?

Sal. "I don't get it, it's just floating there..."

Duo, regards sonar screen "Like it's STARING at us..."

I am from Earth.

Do you have a name?

Yes...

What is your name?

o,o

Hee. "What the hell!"

:All turn to look at Heero's screen, all except Hilde, who is busy trying to catch the colored lights dancing in front of her eyes since her UNFORTUNATE fall. Sally and Duo gasp, then turn back to the sonar.:

Sal. "My Gods!"

Duo "It's the... cat head..."

Hee., looks over "WHAT?"

WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?

winks Wouldn't you like to know...

Just as I thought, more slang notation. You are pathetic, 'entity' o,o. Or should I say, AUTHOR o,o?

All "GASP! She's an..."

Hee. "That's right, a... FANFICTION AUTHOR."

All "OH, GODS, WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS HORRIBLE FATE?"

Oh, yeah? You think I am pathetic, eh?

Yes, you are pathetic. Is this the best you can do? I have read better...

growls Read better, why I aughta—evil grin Maybe Heero prefers DOUJINSHI-STYLE?

Um... no, that is NOT what I meant.

Uh-huh, SURE, Hee-chan... I know what you meant...

:Heero casts a sideways, sheepish glance at Duo, who is blushing again.:

See? You insult me, but yet you fear me.   
I do not fear any 'entity.' You don't have very much power, or else you would have written a better scenario than this. This is not very entertaining.

Maybe not to you, but to me, it is. You should not doubt my power.

I have yet to see a good reason to fear you.

An invitation for demonstration, eh? Very well. But, what shall I do?

:At that moment, Hilde snaps out of her whimsical reverie and latches onto Duo again.:

Hil. "DUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo "AH! Please... leave... me... THAT'S IT!"

:Duo wretches himself out of the grip of Satan's purple-headed step-child, and pushes Heero away from the console. Frantically, he types.:

IF YOU ARE TRULY THE AUTHOR AND THIS IS A FANFICTION, THEN FOR THE LOVE OF SHINIGAMI-SAMA, GET RID OF THIS STALKING NIGHTMARISH FREAK OF A FEMALE

OFFICER!

May-be... say the Magic Word, babe...

:Hilde latches onto Duo's waist, singing in a tone-deaf manner.:

Hil. I LOve shiNI-GAmi oh SO veRY MUch, and HE, yes HE, lovES ME!"

Duo "AAAAAAAHHHH!"

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

Anything for a lovely, long-lock-ed bishonen! o,

:There is a poof, and, without warning, Hilde lets Duo go, allowing him to once again breathe, being free from her vice-like grip. Her vacant eyes light up, and she sniffs the air. The others can smell it, also: Chocolate.:

Hil. "X-PLODER BARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"3

:Hilde, with inhuman speed, flies to the ladder and immediately ascends. A few stunned moments pass, and the other occupants in the room hear the crackling of foil wrap and the smacking of lips.:

Well, you wanna miss the fun?

:Exchanging glances, the three remaining sane (well RELATIVELY) members of the mission crew head for the ladder. Up top, they find Hilde sitting happily in the air lock area, pealing bar after bar, chocolate smeared over her face and dripping down her chin.:

Hil., stupidly (not unusual) "Num-num-nummers! In my tummers!"

:To the horror—er, no, wait, scratch that. Let me start over... ahem To the SURPRISE of the three, the air lock doors begin to close on its own. Red lights begin spinning above the oblivious purple-ette's head, and a loud siren begins to blare. Everyone watches, unable to tear their eyes away, as Hilde continues to eat her candy bars, unwittingly sealing her doom. The room begins to adjust to the incredible pressure outside the FACILITY. Under the pressure, Hilde begins to bloat like a little twisted animal balloon, until, as always happens when you over-fill little twisted animal balloons, she pops. The pop is nearly ear-splitting, and the others cringe. When they look up, there is only a chocolately mess splattered over the air lock walls... not a trace of the former OZ soldier. Stunned at this display of awesome and total power, they climb back down the ladder to the console.:

My, those X-ploder Bars must have been POWERFUL... Excuse me... collapses in maniacal laughter at such a witty pun

:Duo begins to smile. Then, begins to smirk. Then, begins to laugh. Before the others can stop him, he sits at the console and types to o,o.:

That... was the most sick, disturbed, twisted, disgusting thing I think I have ever witnessed.

Why, Duo! bats eyes What are you saying?

You've lost your friggin' mind, o,o! That's it, you're gone! Don't get me wrong, that was cool and all, but... you are seriously demented.

I find it strange that SOME OF THE MOST MENTALLY-SCREWED-UP CHARACTERS I KNOW are calling ME insane. And if I'M so psycho, then why are you giggling like a school-girl, SHINIGAMI-SAMA? You're beginning to remind me of Zero-fied Quatre...

:Duo falls backwards out of his chair, laughing like the lunatic he is, obviously loosing the faint grip he had managed to keep for so long on sanity. Heero watches him for a minute as he tumbles braid-over-heels on the downward spiral, then hauls him up by the braid and is about to cart him off to the sleeping quarters, assuming everything is over. Little does he know. Ha.:

Hee. "You know, your narration is really getting annoying, too."

:The screen blinks a final time before going back to normal for good.:

Be gentle with your bishie, Hee-chan!

:Heero stops, red again, and is about to drop Duo to type a retort when Sally stops him.:

Sal. "No, no... Allow ME."

:Sally types solemnly.:

Omae o korosu.

:The screens return to normal. Oddly, Duo thinks this is about the most humorous event in the history of comedy, and begins his laughing fit anew, with fervor:

#DAY 3, 01:30, government instillation#

Mil. "Well, I just don't know what to say... the sphere is gone, and there aren't any signs of Chang or Schbeiker. The only conclusion we can make is that your story is, in fact, true. However disturbing it may be, we have no choice."

Noin "You'll all need to turn in a report, signed, of course, from you own points of view. Just some final paperwork before we can officially close this case. Pity that Maxwell ran off before we could commit—ah, get his report..."

Mil. "By the way, Yuy, I heard you had been working on filtering out that lost transmission from the Preventer sub. Did you ever finish that? You'll need to include it in your report."

Hee. "Yeah... I finished it, all right..."

:Once again, the Prussian-eyed soldier reaches into the depths of Spandex Space, retrieving a micro-player and a small disc. He inserts the disc and presses the play button, and the chilling sounds of a man screaming like Gateau with a broken nail.:

BEWARE... THE WRATH... OF THE FANFIC AUTHOR...

End

1 You read the manga, and the little mini-strips "Do it for Domon, W!" in the back. The one about Duo's "special" helmet is priceless. Not as good, though, as Heero and Duo braiding Trowa's bangs……… "Go, lion…"

2 "loud sound", Hee-chan sounds like a Furby... snickers

3 X-ploder Bars are milk chocolate bars with Pop Rocks mixed in. They are the shiz-nit. All other candy bars are inferior.


	3. Fern Gateau

Fern Gateau

Fic #3 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Rating: PG (mild violence, implied homicidal tendencies, general mayhem, and it IS Bakuretsu Hunters, after all...)

Author's Notes: WHAAAAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAP! Neko Athenao,o back in action in fic #3, baby! Whoo, these just get weirder and weirder. This one is a new spin on the classic Fern Gully, starring everyone's favorite Bakuretsu Hunter, Marron!

:The peasants cheer:

0,0 -(HUZZAH FOR MARRON!)

:The peasants roar with approval:

-,-;; -(Uh, yeah, and also starring everyone's least fav Bakuretsu Hunter, Gateau Mocha.)

:The peasants boo.:

, -(DEATH TO GATEAU!)

:The peasants hiss, vomit, and otherwise express extreme disgust.:

o,o -(That stalking, flexing freakshow is going to get his comeuppance in this bee-yootiful tale.)

Anonymous Idiot Peasant -(What the hell does Fern Gully have to do with Bakuretsu Hunters?)

-,-; -(Ahem!)

:The imperial guards beat A.I.P. out of recognizable shape with their mallets. His twitching carcass is dragged away as other peasants hurl random objects at him.:

o,o -(Moving on, for those of you who may not know, I HATE GATEAU MOCHA. I'll admit, he actually had a POINT and a PERSONALITY in the manga, and even kicked a little ass, WAS PART OF THE TEAM, however, this is a parody of the Anime version because everyone knows the only good thing about the Anime is the music... that and they make Marron say "horny" in the dub... drool

Anyway, in the Anime all Gateau does is flex, strip, and STALK around Marron. and generally acts like Chocoalte. It's funny for her. NOT for him.

Now that that's taken care of... anyway, this fic is about Gateau reclaiming his throne in the Fairy Kingdom after deciding to quit the Hunters. But I'm not giving away the plot! You'll have to read ON, my good readers. Enjoy!)

DISCLAIMER\\ Don't own Bakuretsu Hunters, or Fern Gully. Doi. Y'all aughta know that. If I owned Bakuretsu Hunters, that whole manga episode in the hot springs would have been page after page of a COMPLETELY NUDE MARRON lounging in his own splendidness instead of a frustrating tummy-up shot followed by page after page of a completely nude Chocolate being, well... too much herself.

However, undaunted and courageously, the fic continues...

:With a mysterious tinkling and a burst of sudden smoke, the forest clearing ahead of the four travelers becomes a large white hall. Big Mamma, flanked by the ominous Haz Knights, looks down on her warriors; Carrot, Marron, Tira, and Chocolate. Dota floats before them, beaming.:

Dota "Hello, again, Hunters! Isn't it a beautiful day?"

Car. "Not as beautiful as you are, Dota Dear!"

SNAP

:Carrot turns to see Tira holding her whip taunt and ready to strike. Chocolate is rolling up her sleeves.:

Cho. "But it's about to get REAL UGLY, Darling!"

Car. "Yipe!"

Dota "Oh, you guys are so funny! But Big Mamma has something important for you! You'd better listen up!"

:The group turns to Big Mamma.:

B.M. "Greetings, Bakuretsu Hunters. As you know, it has been one week since your partner, Gateau Mocha, defected from your group and quit hunting sorcerers as he has been assigned. After much deliberation, it has been decided that all of you must find Gateau and deliver his punishment for not leaving a 2 week's notice."

:The Hunters gasp.:

Tira "What? Big Mamma, you don't m-m-mean—"

Car. "You... you want us to..."

B.M. "No, no, his punishment is not an ultimate one. But when you have found him, I will give you further instructions."

Dota "He was last seen somewhere in the vicinity of Mount Warning to the South. But beware, Bakuretsu Hunters! He has been acting quite strangely and might not be so easy to find! Good luck! Byie-byie!"

:With that, the images of Big Mamma and Dota are sucked back into thin air in another puff of smoke.:

Car. "Hmm... what do you know... I guess Big Mamma isn't the kind of person you blow off like that."

Cho. "Still, I can't help but feel a little bad... he's helped us so many times, even saved our lives."

Mar. "..."

Tira "After all, he WAS our partner..."

Mar. "..."

Car. "Whatever! If he's gonna cross Big Mamma, I guess he's gotta pay!"

Mar. "YES! I mean... Let us hurry on our task... or something..."

Tira "Marron, is something wrong?"

Mar. "NO! No, no, no..."

Cho. "Well, off we go then!"

:The others begin down the path to the South, but Marron lags a little behind. Slowly, a delicious smile curls his luscious lips.:

Mar. "For the first time, I think things are going to turn out FINE!"

:Deep in the rainforest of Fern Gully, there is a party going on. Fairies, animals, and other mystical creatures are dancing and getting drunk on berry juice, frolicking in

carefree glee. The reason for their celebration? Their long-lost ruler has finally returned. Sitting atop a flower throne, with a bit of bark on his head for a crown, Gateau is enjoying himself immensely. He had forgotten how much fun these Fairy shindigs could be. He checks his pigtails to make sure they aren't falling down, then smoothes the skirt of his long pink dress and sips his juice happily.:

Gat. "Boy, this sure beats huntin' evil guys! Ahyuk!"

Manservant1 "Oh, Queen Gateau, would you like some more fruit?"

Gat., beaming "Yes, please!"

:Just as he is about to bite into the fruit, a black-haired fairy in red flies up to the throne, obviously distraught.:

Cry. "Your Highness! There is grave danger!"

Gat. "Calm down, Crysta, what are you talking about?"

:The music and frolicking die down as everyone turns to the Fairy-mystic.:

Cry. "Someone is fooling with Hexus's tree!"

All "GASP!"

Gat. "Well, that's not good! Don't worry... I'll see to this... MYSELF!"

:In a flourish, the Fairy-Queen floats up, his pink wings shimmering in the dappled sunlight. His subjects watch in awe as he zooms away in a glittering flash of pink light.:

Cry. "But, Your Highness- aw, skip it."

Fairy1 "Um...since we might die... can we still party?"

Cry. "Uh... sure, why not?"

:The party continues, in full swing.:

Mar. "Carrot, maybe we should just look for some loose branches..."

Car., straining "IT—WAS—SO—MUCH—EASIER—GETTING—FIRE—WOOD—WHEN—GATEAU—WAS—HERE—AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

CRRRRRRRAAAAAAAACK

THUD

:Carrot has been trying for the last half hour to pull down a branch from a large, twisted tree in a clearing, without any success. Currently, he is laying on the ground twitching from his last fall.:

Tira "I think Marron is right, let's just look somewhere—"

Car. "Hey, at least I got one..."

:The Hunters look up at the tree to see a black ooze oozing from the spot where Carrot broke the branch. A deep, sinister laugh fills the surrounding forest. Just then, Gateau arrives.:

Cho. "What the HELL is that?"

Tira "CARROT, WHAT DID YOU DO NOW!"

Gat. "Oh, no! The evil has been released!"

:The Hunters turn to stare at Gateau. Carrot bursts into laughter as Marron tries to make him self as small and inconspicuous as possible.:

Car., wipes tears from eyes "What happened to YOU?"

Gat. "Fool! Don't you realize what you've done!"

:The growing cloud of thick, black smoke begins to take the form of the diabolical spirit of destruction, Hexus.:

Hex. "MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, I shall destroy Fern Gully!"

B.M. "Not so fast, Hexus!"

Hex. "What?"

All "Eh?"

:Yes, Big Mamma is standing over the black figure, arms folded sternly. Hexus recoils sheepishly under the scrupulous stare of his superior.:

Hex. "Uh... heh, heh... or not..."

B.M. "I'm afraid you'll need to take a paid holiday, HEXIE! This is Hunter business..."

Hex. "Whatever you say, o,o! Later!"

:The evil entity takes this opportunity to sceedaddle and leave the story to develop in a more POSITIVE direction.:

Cho. "Wait a minute..."

Tira "How come that thing..."

Car. "Called Big Mamma 'o,o'?"

B.M. "SILENCE MORTALS! Ahem Now, you must carry out your task!"

:With a POOF, Gateau is suddenly Human-size once again. He spots Marron and makes a bee-line for him.:

Gat. "Hey, baby! It's been a while! I bet you've been missing my gorgeous body, huh?"

Mar. "..."

:Marron, terrified beyond belief, squeezes his eyes shut, praying that he won't have to suffer anymore "Peck-flashes" or other forms of flirting from this muscle-bound fruitcake. He prays that Big Mamma will give the word for Gateau's punishment... and that it will be substantial and painful. Although the poor, sweet, innocent Bishonen is usually quite mild-mannered, deep within his heart, all his black and evil thoughts of revenge rise to the surface. Revenge for all those nights he had to sleep sitting up for fear of being violated in the night. Revenge for humiliation, and Revenge for just generally inducing nausea. Big Mamma smirks wickedly, and answers his prayers.:

BOOM

All "What the?"

Gat. "HELP!"

:Yes, in that instant, Gateau was lashed to a stake above plenty of kindling. No matter how he squirms, flexes, and struggles, the bonds will not yield. Marron opens his eyes slowly, and gasps at the sight.:

Mar. "Oh, YES! I mean... Big Mamma, what happened?"

B.M. "Well, he's got to be punished, right? And you WERE looking for firewood, RIGHT? I'm just killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. Later!"

:Marron's eyes swell with tears of gratitude. Big Mamma turns to leave.:

Mar. "Oh, THANK YOU, Big Mamma—"

Car., thoughtful "Wait, wait, wait... Hold it right there!"

:Big Mamma stops in her tracks, but does not turn.:

Tira "What is it, Carrot?"

Car., points "THAT is NOT Big Mamma!"

All "GASP!"

Cho. "Well, then, exactly who could it be?"

Car. "That evil guy called her 'o,o', right? Well, I thought that seemed familiar... And now I know where I've seen it before..."

:Carrot pulls out a stack of papers, flips through them, and then holds one up, triumphantly pointing to the top where a

portion is highlighted.:

Car. "See there?"

Carrot's Paper

Fern Gateau

Fic #3 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Author's Notes: WHAAAAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAP! Neko Athenao,o back in action in fic

#3, baby! Whoo, these just get weirder and weirder. This one is a new spin on the classic Fern

B.M. "Uh, oh..."

Car. "It's right there! She's... THE AUTHOR!"

Tira "AUTHOR? You mean to tell me..."

Cho. "Oh, HORROR OF HORRORS! A Fate WORSE Than DEATH!"

Car. "Yes, I am afraid we have fallen victim to the most vile of evils in Anime fandom... we are... IN A FAN-FICTION!"

All "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

B.M./o,o "Dammit!"

Tira "We cannot just sit here and let our lives be controlled!"

Cho. "I won't ALLOW you to hold us prisoner like this! This is evil magic of the worst kind!"

:The two women transform into their Bakuretsu Hunting outfits and give chase after the rapidly departing Big Mamma. Carrot follows, cheering them on. Marron and Gateau are left behind.:

Gat. "Wow... who'd a thunk that some author would stoop to impersonating a God, huh, Marron? Oh, well, there's all kinds of loonies out there, heh, heh... What do you say you untie me?"

:Marron is standing off to the side, still looking after the others. Slowly, that evil grin spreads across his handsome face.:

Mar. "Oh, but Gateau... I DO think this came from the Gods... How can I just REFUSE such a generous GIFT?"

Gat. "gulp M-M-Marron, why are y-you looking at m-me like that?"

:Yessiree, the forest was alive with celebration that night! The fairies continued their cavorting, filling their section of the forest with music and laughter. Another section of the forest was also filled with laughter. Evil, maniacal laughter, along with pitiful screams of pain and the beautiful red glow of a cheerful bonfire. As for Carrot, Tira, and Chocolate, well, they, too, were sidetracked by the fairy celebration and Big Mamma soon thereafter disappeared without a trace. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together:

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

(except for Gateau, who suffered miserably and died)

End


	4. These Trunks are CLEAN!

"These Trunks are CLEAN!"

Fic #4 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Rating: PG (mild language, sensuality (Mirai no Trunks IS a main character...), paranormal mayhem, Vegeta OOC (somewhat reluctantly), implied... er, "bedroom games" )

Author's Notes: Oh, yeah... if you haven't figured it out by now, the author is no where near mentally stable. But, that's okay. I guess you aren't too afraid since you've come to fic #4 already. Yeah, I know... DBZ really has NOTHING in common with Poltergeist, right? Too bad, it does now! Did you think I could play favorites and only write for two of my most-favoritest bishonen? How could I just neglect sweet, gorgeous Trunks-kun?

mTru., sweat-drops "I wish you would have..."

Sorry, Sweet-Briefs, but I must appease my evil muse, Edgar, mustn't I? (you can meet Edgar at my little page all about me! http/ blushes "..."

Gee, you're starting to sound like Marron... ooooooh, I LOVES my BISHIES!

This might be off topic, just a tad, but did that stuffed clown in Poltergeist freak anybody ELSE out? Well, it freaked ME out, anyway, it looked possessed... This is a parody LOOSELY based on the film Poltergeist. Do you REALLY wanna know where the inspiration came from? Well, good, cause I'm not so sure meself.

I do know, however, that I can tell you the TUR-KEY CUTTER! Joke came, once again, from my little muses, who happen to be my little cousins, A.K. and K.A.K.

(I will lovingly refer to them as Ak and Kak. Or maybe Junior and Bubba-Louise. Yeah, I bet ya thought I was the black sheep o' the family, eh? HA! My family tree is OVERFLOWING with NUTZ!) Anyhow, the joke originated because we couldn't find Trunks' sword for the action figure, and Kak just happened to have a Barbie turkey-knife-thing that fit in his sheath, and also in his hand. So, while we were having another great round of Action Figure Tournament, I decided the half-time show should consist of Trunks dancing around with his "new" sword singing "TUR-KEY CUTTER, OH MY TUR-KEY CUTTER!" Yeah, it was a hoot! Well, now you know (whether you wanted to or not) where the joke comes from. So there. I know that had absolutely NO bearing on anything whatsoever, but I just thought I'd share it with all of you. I may use it in a later fic, in which I will have to retype this explanation... oh, well...

Do you all remember that episode... well, I can't mention it by name, cause then it would have to appear in the disclaimer, so I hope everyone gets the reference... it is one of the best episodes of that series... heh heh... I can't mention the other show by name, either, for said reasons... sorry.

I suppose it's about time for the fic to start... is anybody still awake out there?

snores from crowd

ahem FREE POCKY!

snores abruptly cease

Well, now that I got everybody's attention, ON WITH THE FIC!

NOTE: Mirai no Trunks will be known as mTrunks. He will also have those long, luxurious, lavender locks. All this is because I say so. Ha, ha, ha.

DISCLAIMER\\ Don't own DragonballZ, or Poltergeist, or Tinker Toys (I've never even owned one set!),

I DO own a TUR-KEY CUTTER! And THIS FIC! Mess w/it, and Guido will breaka you face!

6:30 PM

Bra "But, I don't NEED a baby-sitter!"

Bul. "Now, dear, it's only for tonight. You know what a rare occasion it is when your Father actually offers to take me out to dinner!"

Veg. "I did WHAT!"

:VEGETA IS ON HIS WAY TO CHANGE INTO A NICE SUIT FOR THE ROMANTIC DINNER HE HAD PLANNED TO SPEND WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE. He doesn't have time to sit around talking. And he needs to take a shower, too, because he's been training all day and he smells horrible.:

Veg. "The HELL? I DID NO SUCH—"

:Swept up in sudden emotion, Vegeta scoops Bulma up in his arms and plants a passionate kiss on her unsuspecting lips.:

Veg., breaks kiss "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

Bul. "Why, I haven't the faintest, Vege-chan, but I ain't complaining!"

:Bra stomps up to her room to pout as Bulma closes in for another smooch.:

Bra "Man, I can't believe they're sticking me with a sitter! I am old enough to take care of myself—"

:The frustrated teen slumps on her bed and hugs a stuffed pink Hiya-dragon to her chest.:

Bra, baby-voice "Isn't that right, Mr. Snuggle-Wuggles? Yes. We don't need any stinky-winky sitter!"

Bul., from downstairs "BRA! COME ON DOWN, THE SITTER'S HERE!"

:Carefully, Bra sets the dragon on her bed, making certain the plush is "comfy-wumfy," then puts on her best pouty-face (the one that always suckers in Dear Ol' Dad) and trudges downstairs. When she reaches the bottom, however, her little jaw hits the floor.:

Bra "OH MY KAMI-SAMA! Onii-san, what HAPPENED to you?"

Bul. "Oh, Bra, I forgot, you never did get the privilege of meeting your Future Brother. Bra, this is Trunks, but from the other timeline. Remember, the story I used to tell you about that scary, old space-witch that got cut up into a million pieces and fried? Well, this is the Trunks that did it!"

mTru., blushes "Hello... nice to meet you..."

Bra "Wha... whoa, you are SOOOO different from my Bro, he is like, NOT polite or anything!"

mTru. "... Thanks... I guess..."

Bul. 'Well, we'll see you kids later, m'kay? Have fun and don't trash the house or get in any Earth-shattering battles!"

:Bulma, dressed in a sleek red evening gown hauls Tuxedo Vegeta out the door while he desperately tries to loosen the "noose" around his neck. After the door is closed, a few profanities echo into the night, and the love-birds are gone. mTrunks turns to his would-be sibling. The two eye each other.:

mTru. "So..."

Bra "So..."

mTru. "Uh... what do you want to do?"

Bra, shrugs "I dunno..."

mTru. "Are you... hungry?"

Bra, shakes hand "A l-i-t-t-l-e bit..."

mTru., smiles "Alrighty-then! I'll cook something for you!"

:Bra follows mTrunks into the kitchen, eyes wide with disbelief. She sits down at the kitchen's bar and watches in amazement as mTrunks pokes around in the cabinets, pulling out a few pans, and making ready. He looks up at her and smiles, a warm, friendly, inviting smile. Half the Fangirl Brigade melts.:

mTru. "Well, now, little lady, what can I get for you?"

Bra "Pancakes... ?"

mTru. "Pancakes it is! Anything special?"

Bra "... With blueberries mixed in?"

mTru. "Blueberry pancakes, comin' right up!"

:With that, Trunks opens the refrigerator, gathers the ingredients he needs, and sets about mixing the dough. Bra cups her head in her hands, elbows on the bar, and watches with fascination.:

Bra "Can you REALLY cook?"

mTru. "Oh, yeah! In my time, our Mom was working a lot on her time machine, so I had to cook sometimes. It's pretty easy, actually."

Bra "WOW..."

mTru. "What's the big deal?"

Bra "Well... My brother can't cook AT ALL! He's even blown up our microwave before, with tin foil, not ki..."

mTru. "Hm..."

Bra "Yeah, you guys are NOTHING alike... Bro's a big nerd and can be a jerk when he wants to be. He's not all polite and cool like you are."

mTru. "Weird... yeah, the last time I saw myself, I was just a baby..." blinks "That sentence made no sense whatsoever."

Bra "I wonder why you guys turned out so different?"

mTru. "Yeah... I wonder... It's probably because we grew up in different worlds, I guess. In my timeline, I never even knew our Father, I just got to know him a little in this timeline."

Bra "Hmph... you ain't missin' much..."

mTru. "Hey... you know where the mixer is?"

Bra "Yeah, bottom-left-hand cabinet on the other side of the oven."

mTru., looks "Um... no? Where?"

Bra, sighs "I'll show ya..."

:Bra gets up and walks around the bar. She stoops beside the cabinet and roots around to find the mixer. She hands it to mTrunks, and they both straighten and turn... and scream. There, on the bar, where before there was nothing, stands a mass of Tinker-Toys erected in an odd-looking symbol.:

(0) (0)

/ \\ / \\

/ \\ / \\

/ \\ (0)(0) (0)(0) / \\

/ \\ / \\ / \\ / \\

/ \\ (0) (0) (0) (0) / \\

/ \\ / \\

/ \\ (0) (0) (0) (0) / \\

/ \\ / \\ / \\/ \\ / \\ / \\

(0)(0) (0)(0) (oo) (0)(0) (0)(0)

(0)

Bra "What the—"

mTru. "Where on Kami's Green Namek did THAT come from?"

Bra "I... I d-d-d-don't know..."

:The two stare in utter shock at the edifice, of sorts, that has seemingly built itself on the counter-top in a matter of a few seconds. Now, had her real brother been much younger, Bra would have considered that this could be an elaborate prank. However, she knew very well her REAL brother was on a business trip in the Bahamas, and had, for the post part, outgrown his trick-playing phase. Therefore, she simply gawked at the strange phenomena until it teetered over and broke, Tinker-Toy pieces spilling everywhere. For a moment, neither could move.:

mTru. "Um... I guess we should... pick them up... or something..."

Bra "Y-y-y-y-yeah... I g-g-guess s-so..."

:Frightened, they begin to collect the toys.:

Bra "Hey, Trunks... what do you think that meant? Who... H-how d-d-do you think that... HAPPENED?"

mTru. "I don't know... I can't think of what... maybe it's just a... a thing... you know, like that stuff that happens on TV and they can't explain it... it just... HAPPENS..."

Bra, gulps "You don't think it was a... g-g-g-ghost, do you?"

mTru. "Nah... I don't think so... I HOPE not..."

8:00 PM

:Meanwhile, a trio of violins serenade a young couple in love as they dine in intimate candlelight, while the stars wink in the romantic velvet sky.:

Veg. "I think I am going to MURDER those fiddling fools if they don't beat it!"

Bul. "It's ROMANTIC, Vege-chan!"

Veg. "It's NOISE!"

Bul., blushes and giggles "Does this mean you'd rather be bats eyelashes ALONE?"

Veg., eyes narrow with suspicion "What is that supposed to mean?"

:A hopelessly clueless Vegeta continues to dig a grave through the center of the Earth's core, and the beautiful night of passion continues.:

9:37 PM

:While mTrunks toils over the dishes (puts them into the Super Capsule Dishwasher), Bra is sitting on her bed, cross-legged in front of the gigantic, 75 inch TV her Mom bought her for her Un-Birthday last year. Currently, she is engrossed in the latest episode of her favorite sitcom, "My Favorite Space-Pirate," which features the adventures of a vicious love triangle between a man, a space pirate, and an alien princess who live together at the same shrine in rural Japan. The pirate has just announced over dinner that she is pregnant with the man's baby. Bra can't decide whether she is happy that the less-annoying woman will get the guy, or whether she is angry she can't have him for herself. She has ALWAYS been a very big fan of that particular leading man, and has a few very large posters of him plastered to her ceiling above her bed. She is VERY deeply engrossed in the show, so engrossed, that she fails to notice the symbol that is slowly burning its way onto the wall above the TV. Nor does she notice the mist-like thing issuing from the mark and slowly seeping into the TV from behind. Downstairs, mTrunks has curled up by the fireplace on the couch (Fangirl Brigade burns with desire) with a good book for the night.:

12:45 PM

:Hours later, Bra lies on her tummy, facing the TV, out cold on her bed. Snoring quite loudly, she fell asleep in the middle of her very-favorite action show about not one, not two, but FOUR very tempting young pilots fighting a war in space (there is a 5th pilot, but nobody cares about him). She smiles in her sleep, enjoying the lovely dreams the show is giving her. A bit of drool begins to dribble from her lips. Now, the TV's bright, snowy glow shines over her unconscious form. Slowly, however, her eyes flutter, and she squints in the light. She hauls herself up and rubs her eyes sleepily, and is about to turn off the TV via remote, when she abruptly stops. Her blue eyes grow wide, and she slips off the bed. With her face inches from the screen, she whispers to an unknown.:

Bra "No way... really?"

:Suddenly, the room behind her erupts into utter chaos. Her closet flies open and all her clothes begin to spin in a tornado in mid air. Her bed begins to buck wildly, and Mr. Snuggle-Wuggles bounces atop it, like a cowboy riding a bull. The windows and doors open and slam shut. Bra lets loose a terrified scream, which rouses her alter-Brother from his comfy spot on the couch. However, when he reaches the room, the door slams shut and he cannot budge it... for about three-tenths of a second until the door realizes that there is precious little it can do to withstand the power of a Super Saiya-jinn and submits to his awesome strength like so many others have before (Fangirl Brigade nods). Once inside, he sees not a trace of his pseudo-sibling.:

mTru. "BRA! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WHERE ARE YOU?"

:There is no answer to the frantic Bishonen's desperate calls. Fear mounting, he begins to fling the piles of clothing away, only to find the plushie-dragon staring back at him, with an almost sadistic look in it's plastic eyes. mTrunks looks around the room, collapsing to his knees. It is then that he sees the sinister symbol above the TV. It is in the same shape as the Tinker-Toys. This reminds mTrunks of young Bra's earlier words, and his blood runs cold.:

Bra, gulps "You don't think it was a... g-g-g-ghost, do you?"

mTru. "Nah... I don't think so... I HOPE not..."

:Suddenly, he is jolted from his thoughts by a strange sound coming from the TV. He stares into the blizzard of pixels on the screen for a few moments, then gasps. Bra's voice is coming from the set, itself.:

TVBra "Hey... what are you lookin' at?"

2:00 AM

Baba "I'm glad you called me, Young Man, even though it IS an unholy hour of the night..."

mTru. "I'm SOOO sorry, Baba-sama, but I didn't know who else to call—"

Baba "It's all right. Just give me a minute. Don't tell me anything more, I need to FEEL it for myself..."

:The old witch floats into the house on her crystal ball. She stops in the middle of the living room and closes her eyes for a moment. Then, looking around her, she floats up the stairs and right toward Bra's room. The door is closed.:

Baba, solemnly "This... is the heart of the house..."

:Baba turns and slowly floats toward another door... the hall bathroom...:

Baba, solemnly "And this... is the bladder of the house..."

:Baba turns and floats down the stairs... to the kitchen...:

Baba, solemnly "And this... is the stomach of the house..."

2:30 AM

:Baba floats out... of the garage...:

Baba, solemnly "And that... was the pancreas of the house..."

mTru. "Please, Baba-sama... Do you know where BRA is?"

Baba, gives mTru. A dirty look "Don't you want to know where the adrenal gland of the house is?"

mTru., sweat-drops "Um, heh heh... maybe some other time... Mom & Dad might come back any minute and I really think I'd like to have Bra here, safe and sound, when that happens..."

Baba, sighs "Very well, Child..."

:mTrunks follows her into the living room, where the mystic and her ball settle down on the couch. Trunks pulls up a chair, and awaits her verdict tensely.:

Baba, whispers mysteriously "There are many spirits in this house... many souls who are lost, who cannot find the light..."

mTru., wails "Oh, NO! Bra was right, it WAS a ghost! Is she possessed? Will she die? Mom and Dad will KILL me..."

Baba "SILENCE, BOY! You're ruining the mood! ahem May I continue?"

mTru., sheepishly "Yes, ma'am."

Baba, whispers mysteriously "But there is something else here in this place. A dark entity. It is the entity that has your sister..."

mTru. "..."

Baba "You can panic, now."

mTru. "Oh, POOR BRA! What can we DO, Baba-sama? Can we get her back?"

Baba "This spirit... is not like the others, Trunks. It has a strong grip on your sister... It lies to her... tells her things that only an obsessive Fangirl could understand..."

mTru. "That sounds HORRIBLE! Oh, Baba-sama, tell me you can DO something!"

Baba "Perhaps... I can try..."

:Baba begins to float once again, and sails into the middle of the room. She hops off the ball, and begins to chant as she waves her hands over the crystal. It begins to glow.:

Baba, deep trance "BRA... CAN YOU HEAR ME, BRA?"

mTru. "..."

Baba, still in deep trance "TELL THEM TO WALK TOWARD THE LIGHT, BRA... WALK TOWARD THE LIGHT..."

mTru. "Uh, Baba-sama... are you sure you—"

Baba, deeper in trance "WALK TOWARD THE LIGHT... WALK TOWARD THE FRIGGIN' LIGHT, YOU SHIFTLESS HOBO SPIRITS! QUIT FREELOADING, DAMMIT! GO TOWARD THE LIGHT WHERE YOU BELONG! THAT LIGHT IS YOUR HOME! GO HOME, NOW! ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?"

mTru., sweat-drops "Baba-sama... are you okay..."

Baba, comes out of trance "Huh, wha—oh, so sorry, Young Man... I get carried away sometimes... grumble bums, just sit around..."

mTru. "So, did you talk to Bra? Is she all right?"

Baba "Yes, she is doing fine, but... we must act quickly. I am going to try to open a portal... You go up and wait in her room. When you see the portal, dive in and find Bra. If I have calculated right, you should come out over here..."

:She floats over to the foot of the stairs and pulls out a big red Garage Sale marker, drawing a big "X" on the floor. mTrunks gulps nervously.:

mTru. "Just where am I going?"

Baba "Oh, somewhere in the vicinity of Purgatory... not exactly Hell, I imagine..."

:mTrunks nods, and, like the perfect, wonderful, and all-around swell guy he is, accepts his mission bravely. He begins to ascend the stairs as Baba rolls up her sleeves to begin the spell.:

Baba "Oh, Trunks... ONE MORE THING... If you see King Enma, tell him I said 'Hi.' "

mTru., stops "Right."

:He continues a few more steps.:

Baba "Oh, and Trunks... ONE MORE THING... Tell him also that he still owes me 2300¥."

mTru., stops again "Uh, okay... whatever..."

:He continues to the second-to-last step.:

Baba "Oh... And Trunks? ONE MORE THING..."

mTru., stops "WHAT?"

Baba "If you don't get her and get out in thirty seconds, you'll both most probably die and be stuck in Purgatory forever, wandering the land as lost souls."

mTru., turns blue w/fear "WHAT? Why didn't you say that in the first place?"  
Baba, shrugs "You going or not?"

:mTrunks bites down a VERY impolite comment and heads for Bra's room. Baba begins the incantation, and before long, a swirling, twisting cloud of mist appears on the ceiling. The force behind the wind blows Baba's hat off her little head, and pictures fly from the wall in all directions. The portal begins to open, and mTrunks shouts above the gale from upstairs.:

mTru. "HERE I GO, BABA-SAMA!"

:In he dives, a look of determination on his handsome, perfect, and otherwise dreamy face. Baba continues her chant, awaiting the Saiya-jin to emerge. Suddenly, a scream can be heard from the vortex, getting closer, and closer, and closer, until...:

THUNK

mTru., pants "THAT—WAS—THE—MOST—HORRIBLE—PLACE—CANDLES—EVERYWHERE—SATIN—SHEETS—ACK—HELP—PLEASE—NO—MORE..."

:Baba looks up to find mTrunks sitting squarely on the red "X", with Bra in his arms. She notices that there is a strange, dark brownish substance covering the shocked young warrior and his shirt is torn apart. Bra, herself, is clean. Bra stands up and regards her rescuer, snickering wickedly.:

Bra "Boy, did she get YOU good... She really knows her stuff!"

:With that, the girl walks back up to her room, going over a large notebook with a highlighter. mTrunks curls himself into a ball on the floor and shivers with terror. Baba, utterly bewildered, walks over to mTrunks, who is about on eye-level. Slowly, she grasps a fine strand of lavender and slides her fingers off. She sniffs the brownish goo, then licks her finger.:

Baba "Trunks... why the hell are covered in chocolate sauce? And what happened to your clothes?"

mTru. "AAAAHHHH! The PAIN, the HORROR! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"

:mTrunks, resolved to flee before suffering anymore punishment, leaps up and heads for the door. However, he doesn't stop there. He continues through the door, to his time machine, and back to his home time, seeking the comfort of Mommy. Baba watches him go, then decides to check on Bra. Climbing the stairs, she finds the girl sitting at a desk in her room, typing ferociously and biting her lip. She stops now and then to consult the notebook, then lets out blood-chilling cackles of sinful pleasure before resuming. Baba quickly decides that proceeding with caution would be most tactful, as the girl has obviously been driven mad.:

Baba, keeps eyes on Bra "Bra... Honey... what are you doing..."

:Bra stops in mid-cackle, blinks, then turns to the pint-sized witch. Her expression is the picture of innocence.:

Bra "Oh, NOTHING, Baba-sama, nothing AT ALL... Just thought I'd write a little... heh heh heh... Hahahaha... MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

:As Bra enjoys her laugh of sheer evil, Baba quickly backs to the door, eyes wide, and shows herself out. As she returns to the living room to retrieve her ball, Vegeta is carrying a thunder-struck Bulma through the front door.:

Veg. "And now, my beloved... I will FURTHER prove my undying and everlasting love for you... WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING!"

Bul. "My KAMI, Vege-chan! I have NO IDEA what's gotten into you, but PLEASE don't stop!"

Veg., purrs "I love it when you call me that..." blinks, screams "NO, I DON'T! WHAT THE F—"

:Baba only shakes her head and, once again mounting the crystal, floats away. The couple remains completely oblivious, locked in yet another searing kiss.:

NEXT MORNING

12:30 PM

:Bulma yawns and stretches as she makes her way down the hall. She was never able to sleep past 9:00 before, but after the previous night... well, let's just say she needs a little more training to stand with a Super Saiya-jinn for ten rounds. She passes her daughter's room. From inside, she can hear the stereo spinning one of Bra's thousands of soundtracks and the fervent tapping of computer keys. Perplexed, she decides to investigate. Bra is still sitting at her computer, typing madly.:

Bul. "G'mornin', Sweetie! Did you have fun last night with Mirai no Trunks?"

Bra, turns "Hm? Oh... I didn't... but someone else did..."

:With that, Bra erupts in a fit of maniacal laughter fit to scare the socks off of anyone within earshot. Bulma, who is still too asleep to register the full depth of her daughter's madness, just smiles and pats her on the head.:

Bul. "That's nice, Dear... YAWN So, whatcha doin' so early?"

Bra "Oh, just writing..."

Bul. "Whatcha writin'?"

:Bra's eyes flare with an unholy light, and the single most immoral smile ever recorded to have been smiled stretches across her lips. Her voice becomes dangerously low as she lovingly pats the notebook, full of the notes, tips, and pointers she gathered from her "host" the night before.:

Bra "Nothing much... just a FANFIC..."

Bul. "That's great, Hon! I'll go make break—er, lunch, m'kay?"

:Bulma turns and walks toward the stairs, musing to herself.:

Bul. "Yeah... I guess that WOULD explain Vege-chan acting so strange..."

End


	5. Who YOU Gonna Call?

Who YOU Gonna Call?

Fic #5 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written by Neko Athenao,o

Rating: PG (violence, language, general Bishonen sensuality...)

DISCLAIMER deep breath I don't own Gundam Wing, Bakuretsu Hunters, Mononoke Hime, Dragonball/Z/GT, Magic Knight Rayearth, Hershey, Bagel Bites, Ghostbusters I or II, the original Ecto II, any firehouses, the state of Tennessee, Evil Dead, Graceland, The Mummy or The Mummy Returns, any books belonging to or of The Dead, a Brooklyn accent-

gasp, wheeze

BUT I DO OWN THIS FIC!

Duo "So, what's the deal today?"

Mar. "No calls at all, right Fuu?"

Fuu, Brooklyn accent "Yeah, dat's right. Not one cowll."

:Things had been quiet for days at the Firehouse HQ of the infamous Bish Busters. Like their ads said, "Ghosts Exorcised, Sorcerers Hunted, Witches Whacked, and everything else!", but sadly the boys' paranormal investigation business was beginning to go downhill fast. They had fled their original homelands hoping to leave behind the horrible presence controlling their lives, but obviously the author's reach is farther and wider than they expected (heh, heh). After meeting up with Ashitaka in the backwoods of Tennessee, Marron, Duo, and Trunks had decided to work together to try to forge a living. Considering their varied resumes, the boys had decided to start said business, each having their own area of expertise: Marron- magic and sorcery; Duo- well, he's the God of Death, after all; Ashitaka- demons and angry spirits; and Trunks- Gods, Demigods, and connections in the afterlife (not to mention saving cash on security). They had chosen the abandoned firehouse because of its prime location, spacious living quarters, and because the author believes that it is a very fitting place for such a hot group of bishonen.:

All "HEY!"

Mar. "Oh, great..."

Duo "She's BA-ACK!"

Tru. "gulp Uh, oh..."

Ash. "What? Who? Who's back?"

:The boys quickly cease their WHINING, however. They REALIZE how much the author helped them in the previous stories in this INGENIOUS series, and decide to be a little more GRATEFUL.:

Tru. "Uh... NO! More like TRAUMATIZED!"

Duo "Grateful is going a tad bit FAR, I think."

Mar., thoughtful "No, no, she's got a point..."

:Trunks sympathizes with the young Bakuretsu Hunter, patting him reassuringly on the back.:

Tru. "It's okay, Marron. We feel your pain."

Ash. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Duo "Ashitaka, just pray you never have to find out."

Mar. "Something good could actually come of this..."

All, turn to Mar. "Eh?"

Mar. "Perhaps now we'll get a break and somebody will—"

BRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG! BRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!

Duo "I'll be damned..."

Fuu, accent "Yello, Bish Bustehs! Psychic problems? We got the Psychos for da job!"

Tru., slaps forehead "Great motto, Fuu."

Fuu, covers mouthpiece "Hey, dis is only a SUMMA JOB, I ain't gotta..." into mouthpiece "Yes? Uh huh... right... dat don't sound too... yeah, aight, gotcha... you bet... sure thing... be right theah... uh huh... buh-bye."

:Fuu scribbles down a few details onto a legal pad, popping her gum nonchalantly. The boys gather around, eagerly awaiting her instructions.:

Duo "So?"

Tru. "It was a job, right?"

Ash. "Come on, tell us!"

Fuu "Aight, aight, don't get ya' panties in a wad..."

Mar. "Just tell us, already!"

Fuu "Aight! SHEESH! ahem Seems some freak went out ta some cabin in da woods an' started readin' some old book or sompin'. Anyhow, theah's all kindsa clouds an' stuff and the neighbehs think the guy unlocked some ancient evil thing."

:Suddenly, a man wearing dark desert robes with shoulder-length black hair and a large scimitar slides down the fire pole. He removes his cloth mask from his bearded face and speaks.:

Ahdet Beh1 "NO! THE CREATURE MUST NOT BE AWAKENED AGAIN!"

Duo "Uh, wrong book, dude..."

Tru. "Yeah, more like wrong continent."

A.B. "You mean no one has read from the Book of the Dead to resurrect the Mummy of Imotep and bring down his wrath upon us all?"

Mar. "As desolate as this place is, Tennessee is a far cry from Egypt, pal."

A.B. "Oh... well then, I am still on vacation!"

:Ahdet Beh Pulls out a pair of huge orange-tinted sunglasses and a cardboard sign saying "Graceland or Bust", and marches out the front door. Everyone watches him go, shrugs, and then looks back to Fuu.:

Mar. "Did that guy happen to mention the name of the book, Fuu?"

Fuu "Uh... yeah... he said..." checks notepad "Heah it is! 'Necronomicon ex Mortis'."

Duo "Damn! Why can't anybody leave well enough alone?"

Ash. "Oh, well. Let's just get this mess cleaned up and get paid, I'm getting sick of Bagel Bites."

Mar. "Hey, that DOES translate to 'Book of the Dead.' Should we go after that desert guy?"

Tru. "Nah... let him enjoy his vacation. Besides, we can handle it."

Duo "Right! So, let's get moving!"

:The Bish Busters walk over to the wall of lockers next to Fuu's desk. They suit up, each carefully packing a box of capsules into their wrist-pockets. The capsules contain all their equipment, from Standard Issue Big Guns to Ofuda Scrolls. Their suits, however, are their trademark...:

Tru., cringes "Oh, Kami-sama, NOOOOOOO!"

Mar. "Please leave the suits alone, please?"

:Grumble Damn puppy-dog eyes... The suits are so unique because they are quite plain.:

Duo "Whew!"

Mar. "Thank Ka—"

:Accept for the fact that they are form-fitting, black spandex.:

Ash. "What the hell?"

Duo "Oi! You are disturbed."

:Look who's talking...:

Tru. "What? It's not too bad, really..."

Mar. "That's because you're used to— oh, nevermind."

Duo "sigh At least the color's good. C'mon, let's get outta here."

:The boys walk over to the garage door, and bid Fuu farewell.:

Fuu "Lateh, boys! I'm takin' an eahly lunch, m'kay?"

Duo "Whatever, see ya."

Tru. "Hey, wait a second. We didn't HAVE a car before..."

Mar. "Uh oh..."

Ash. "Let me guess, that AUTHOR girl again?"

Duo "I shudder to think..."

Mar. "Do we have a choice?"

:No.:

Tru. "Fine, let's just get it over with."

:Trunks opens the garage door, and all the boys gasp in unison, for there in the garage in front of them is the original, often imitated, never duplicated, Ecto II.:

Duo "Dear Shinigami-sama..."

Ash. "She really IS nuts, isn't she?"

Tru. "She's taking this 'Ghostbusters' parody WAAAAY too far."

:Yes, they gasp in AWE that the author was able to pull so many strings and beg so many favors to HAVE the original Ecto II station wagon brought in ESPECIALLY FOR THEM at great expense and causing the fic to go way over budget. They think to themselves about how lucky they are, then they get in the car and DRIVE TO THE SCENE OF THE INCIDENT, HAPPILY, despite the giant sweatdrops on their heads:

Mar. "gulp Right... Ha ha, it's soooo cool!"

Ash., patting hood "Yeah, buddy! The ORIGINAL Ecto II..."

Tru. "WOW..."

Duo, grabs keys "All right, fine."

:The boys strap themselves into this living piece of cinema history. Before they exit the garage, however, Duo switches on the lights—:

Duo "Oh, no! If you think we're going to EMBARRASS ourselves like that, you're—"

:...lights AND siren, then pulls out of the driveway and onto the road.:

Duo, growls, shifts gears "Ona no baka..."

Mar. "Calm yourself."

Tru. "Y'know, maybe it was a good thing she got ridda' Wu-fei in that 'Sphere' fic2, you're starting to talk like him."

:After making such a witty and TRUE comment, Trunks finds a nice King Size Hershey Bar in his seat pocket.:

Tru. "Hey! Thank you! That was pretty cool!"

Others growl

:The troop of daring and handsome Bish Busters pulls up to the old cabin in the Ecto II, sirens and lights blazing. They step out of the nostalgic and EXPENSIVE Ecto II, and peer through the early fog of dusk, the warm summer wind gently rustling their long, silky hair.:

Mar. "AHEM Getting a bit carried away, aren't we?"

:Sorry, swept up in the moment.:

All "S'all right."

:The brave Bish Busters walk toward the door of the cabin. Dark, ominous clouds swirl above the cabin, lightning crashing dangerously close.:

Duo "So, what can we be expecting in here?"

Ash. "Could be some disgruntled spirits."

Mar. "Or a demon monster."

Tru. "Either way, we'll be ready."

:The boys ready their weapons of choice; sword, bow and arrow, scythe, and plenty of Ofudas. However, before they can advance, the door bursts open. Bright lights flash inside and an eerie mist billows toward the stalwart heroes.:

Tru. "Uh oh... this doesn't look too good, guys."

Ash. "Yup, she's broken out the Thesaurus on us."

Mar. " 'Stalwart,' ugh..."

? "WHO HAS DARED TO AWAKEN ME FROM MY ETERNAL SLUMBER?"

:A deep, mysterious voice booms from within the dilapidated domicile.:

Duo "Oh, boy... that doesn't sound good."

Tru. "Um... IT WASN'T US... SIR..."

Ash. "Nice one, Trunks."

? "YOU MUST NOW FACE ME IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH!"

Tru. "But I said it wasn't us!"

Mar. "Crap. All right, get ready, guys!"

? "CHOOSE THE FORM OF THY OPPONENT!"

Duo "What?"

Mar. "Okay, everyone. I've seen Ghostbusters I! Clear your minds! We've got to think of a strategy..."

? "THE FORM HAS BEEN CHOSEN!"

Tru. "WHAT? No, no, no, we aren't ready!"

Duo "We didn't choose anything yet!"

Ash. "Uh..."

BOOM!

Mar. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Ash. "I just tried to think of the most harmless, innocent thing. Something that could never hurt us—"

C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...

All "Oh no..."

B-A-D-A-D-A-D-U-M

:The cabin suddenly explodes from the ground as a giant Kodama emerges. It slowly turns its head toward the boys. The boys, however, are already running for the car.:

Mar. "Hurry up, Duo, unlock the doors!"

Tru. "GREAT idea, Ashitaka! Just BRILLIANT!"

Mar. "Duo, HURRY UP!"

Duo "Uh... um..."

:The beautiful braided bishonen searches through his tight spandex suit author shivers, but realizes there aren't any other pockets besides the one containing the capsules. And he didn't put the keys in a capsule.:

Duo "Um... guys..."

:The Monster Kodama stomps closer, shaking loose the remnants of the cabin's roof.:

Tru. "What's wrong?"

Ash. "Hurry!"

Duo "I can't!"

Ash. "WHY NOT?"

Duo, smashes face against window "THE KEYS ARE STILL IN THE IGNITION!"

Tru., Ash., Mar. "WHAT?"

Ash. "HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN NOW?"

Tru. "There's no need to panic. Stand back... I'll pull the door off!"

:BUT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN TOUCH THE HANDLE, TRUNKS RECALLS THAT THE FABULOUS ECTO II IS FAR TO PRECIOUS AND EXPENSIVE TO BE MANHANDLED IN SUCH A WAY. HE WISELY DECIDES TO STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE:

Tru. "Aw, come on, you gotta be kidding!"

:It's MY childhood nostalgia, dammit! ahem The Kodama closes in, our heroes better think fast.:

Mar. "Okay, okay! I guess I could try a spell."

:Marron whips around, an Ofuda at the ready, and begins to form his magic seal in a most beguiling way. The Kodama stops short.:

Duo "Wh-what's it doing?"

Mar. "..."

Tru. "We've got to distract it until he gets the seal done."

Ash. "Leave that to me..."

:Bravely, Ashitaka walks up to the towering tree spirit. He takes a deep breath and raises his arms to shield his friends.:

Ash. "OH GREAT SPIRIT OF THE TREES! CALM YOUR MIGHTY FURIES!"

Duo "Oh, yeah, that's it, SHOUT at it..."

Ash. "WE MEAN YOU NO HARM OR DISRESPECT! WE ONLY WISH FOR YOU TO BE AT PEACE!"

:The Kodama begins to tilt his head down toward Ashitaka.:

Ash. "PLEASE SPARE MY FRIENDS AND I AND RETURN TO YOUR FOREST HOME!"

:The Kodama cocks its head slightly to the side.:

C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...

Tru. "You MORON! It's not a tree spirit!"

Duo "Hmph, 'harmless' my..."

B-A-D-A-D-A-D-U-M

:The Kodama's eyes begin to glow a fiendish blue, as if they have come alive with flame. From them, two beams of electric energy shoot out, exploding at Ashitaka's feet, forcing him to duck and roll away at the last moment.:

Ash. "MARRON, ARE YOU ALMOST DONE?"

Mar. "... Yes! Got it!"

Tru. "We only get one shot at this! Let's hit him all at once!"

:Trunks flares up to SSJ, Duo switches on his beam scythe, and Ashitaka readies his arrow. Marron raises the Ofuda, which is glowing with power.:

Mar. "Wait a second, boys! In the movie, they had to combine their powers to defeat the evil."

Duo "How're we supposed to do that?"

:The Kodama's eyes begin to charge again with energy.:

Mar. "We're out of time!"

:In a daring, slow-motion moment, Marron flings the Ofuda, aiming between the Monster's flaming eyes.:

Mar. "GO FOR THE OFUDAAAAAAA!"

:Trunks waves his arms around in an elaborate pattern, then thrusts both of his hands together, palms facing the Kodama, his index fingers and thumbs touching.:

Tru. "BURNING ATAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

:Ashitaka pulls back his arrow, remnants of the demon strength forcing it further. Then, he lets it fly.:

Ash. "FORGIVE ME MIGHTY LOOOOOOOOOOORRRD."

:The Burning Attack connects with the Ofuda, charging it with even more power. Ashitaka's arrow pierces it, carrying it swiftly to its destination. The arrow nails the super scroll the beast's bulbous head. The Kodama stops, recoiling. It tries to shake the flaming Ofuda Arrow from its head. In its confusion, it staggers backward. Duo slowly raises his steely violet gaze, staring down his adversary.:

Duo "And now it's time... TO SEND YOU BACK TO HELL!"

:He hurls the beam saber toward the reeling Kodama. Everyone holds their breath as it spirals through the air at a ludicrously slow pace. The tension in the air is almost electric; a tangible presence weighing heavily on all those counting on this final, desperate attempt to achieve victory over this vile, demonic enemy.:

All "JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

:Uh... fine, spoil my drama, why don't you... grumble So be it. You all are just too cute for my own good.:

All, smile "THAAAANK YOOOOUU!"

:Hmph.:

All, evil snickers "Heh heh heh..."

:sigh... The beam saber hurtles toward the Kodama, at a less-ludicrously slow pace. The tip connects, splitting Ashitaka's arrow and sinking deep into the demon's forehead. The Kodama groans, obviously in immense pain. All four elements of the attack begin to pulse with their combined power. The ball of electric energy grows larger, larger still, until it finally overloads and explodes in a brilliant flash of orange and red light. When the light is gone, so are all traces of the evil Kodama.:

All, dancing "WHOOHOO!"

:The boys walk over and peer into the rubble of the demolished cabin. Duo picks up his beam saber. A small pig is lying in the center of the wreckage, fried to a crisp.:

Tru. "Huh... What was Oolong doing out here?"

Mar., patting Tru. on back "The world may never know, my friend."

Ash. "sniff, sniff I smell... BACON!"

:The boys stop, and look at each other. Then, they burst into laughter. Chuckling, the walk back down the road past the ever-faithful and ultra-retro Ecto II and into the fiery sunset, wrapping their arms around each other's necks in celebration.:

Duo. "So... who wants ice cream and pocky?"

All "I DO, I DO!"

THE END

1 Ahdet Beh is the desert warrior, or Madji, from The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. He is awesome. Almost as cool as Imotep!

2 Fic #2 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series. Damn straight, shameless plug.


End file.
